I have feelings too; they live here.

I'm going to uni....

2011-09-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to Uni on saturday... words don't even begin to describe how terrified I am.

I've always struggled making and keeping friends, I'm good at the making friends part.. it's the keeping friends part that I suck at.. I start getting close to people and trusting them with everything, and then I push them away and stop being able to tell them anything, and I don't know how to stop it.. I have absolutely no idea. In a way I think it's something to do with attachments and the fact that I've never really had much of an attachment to anyone, not even my mum, because ever since I was a baby I've been left with other people I guess, like.. went I was about 3/4 months I was put into childminders so my mum could work so I didn't really see my mum as often as most kids do. Then my parents divorced when I was 18 months and I didn't see my Dad very much after that.. I saw him last when I was 3.. and never really understood why I didn't see him, all I knew was that my parents were divorced.. I remember in primary school when we did a family tree that I knew that my parents were divorced, I didn't really know what it meant other than that I didn't have a Dad.. it was a bit strange to me because everyone else seemed to have a Dad and I didn't..

So yeah.. I've always had problems with my attachments to people.

As it's getting closer to me moving to London I'm starting to fear things like.. what if I turn into a social recluse, what if I end up not eating, or eating even less than I do now.. that'll end up with my in hospital which I'd rather not happen.. theres also other worries like how I'm going to cope with looking after myself.. I'm also not happy about having to leave my dancing behind.. something that's always been there for me, through everything.. and stopping helping at brownies and guides every week, that helps keep me going.. I'll be able to go back to that in the holidays.. but for now I'm dreading tuesday because it's like the end of an era..

I don't feel like I'm ready to grow up and fend for myself.. I want to stay here in yorkshire.. I like yorkshire. I love love love London.. but it's not my home.. it's not got all the things I've grown up with.. "/

I'm so dreading next weekend. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I really don't.

:(

hmm..

2011-06-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I am anymore..

In fact.. I don't think I've ever known who I really am..

I'm just a girl who's trying to find her place in the world..

I kinda just feel like I'm just going with the flow and not really putting any thought into anything.. even though sometimes I just sit and think about if I'm doing what I actually really want to do with my life..

I don't know..

I don't really know where I fit in, in the world.. I always tend to feel like the spare part in friendships.. like everyone else has all these close friendships and I'm just the bit on the side that people only really care about when no one else is there..

Maybe I need to change the way I work in friendships?

Also.. I need to meet some guys.. I really do.. I'm sick of being single.

I like.. never use this anymore..

2011-05-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

Don't bother reading this unless you REALLY want to, it'll be a waste of your time.. I'm just letting some thoughts out..

I currently volunteer on two websites run by the charity beatbullying, one is aimed at helping kids who are being bullied and the other is aimed at young people and their futures.

So, I spend quite a considerable amount of time on these sites, I'm usually around and happy to chat to anyone who needs a chat about anything. But recently I've been having troubles on there..

It seems that one of the people who works on the site has taken a disliking to me, which obviously makes it hard when I'm on either site. I'm not sure if I'm just being overly sensitive or if she actually doesn't like me. Everything I do seems to get my into trouble with her.. which up until yesterday I could deal with up to a point..

On these sites theres a warning system, you get 2 warnings, then a chat ban for 7 days, then a site ban for 7 days then perma ban.. usually I get by completely fine having no trouble at all, the rules aren't hard to follow.. and I already had a warning on one of the sites for something ridiculous but it wasn't getting in the way of anything and it was given to me a year ago so I just ignore it.. but then yesterday I was on both sites at the same time, keeping track of them both absolutely fine then she came online just as I was about to leave.. so I left then came online on one of the sites a bit later to find that I had a message from her telling me that she was giving me warnings on both sites for being on them both at the same time.. so obviously I was like WHAT?! because that isn't even a rule.. you can't break a rule if it's not actually a rule. I've later found out that it is preferred if mentors stick to one site at a time.. but it's not a RULE. If it was a rule and everyone knew about it, then fair play.. but it's not.

So at the moment I'm one step away from having a chat ban on one of the sites, which obviously makes me feel unsafe when I'm on there incase I accidentally do something wrong and she bans me.

I wouldn't mind as much if I didn't put as much time and effort into the sites.. It's just really frustrated me, and I just feel like it's pointless me even going on there anymore. I'm probably just being too sensitive, but seriously. There was no need.

Eurgh. some people.

I'm thinking of quitting. bit irrational I know.. but that's just me. deal.

Hope you're all well :)

I miss writing these.. might write some more :)

This.

2010-12-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

If anyone still reads my blog and can be arsed to read through this.. I'm going to be completely honest.

Appearance
[X] I have/had piercings besides the ears.
[X] I want piercings besides the ears.
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[X] I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
[X] I have/had braces.
[x] I have more than two piercings.

Embarrassment
[X] Disney movies still make me cry.
[X] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[X] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[X] I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[X] I’ve had my pants rip in public.
[X] I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt.

Health
[X] I’ve gotten stitches.
[X] I’ve broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I’ve had serious surgery.
[X] I’ve had chicken pox.

Travel
[ ] I’ve been to Florida.
[X] I’ve driven/ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[X] I’ve been on a plane.
[ ] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Cuba.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[ ] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[X] I’ve been to Europe.

Experiences
[X] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[X] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[X] I’ve slapped someone.
[ ] I’ve kissed someone underwater.
[ ] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[X] I’ve chugged something.
[X] I’ve crashed a car / been in a car crash.
[ ] I’ve been skiing.
[X] I’ve been in a musical.
[X] I’ve auditioned for something.
[X] I’ve been on stage.
[X] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[X] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[X] I’ve pranked someone.
[X] I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Honesty / Crime
[ ] I’ve been arrested.
[ ] I’ve been threatened to be arrested.
[X] I’ve broken a law.
[X] I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
[X] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[ ] I’ve snuck out.
[X] I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
[X] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[X] I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death
[X] I’m afraid of dying.
[X] I hate funerals.
[ ] I’ve seen someone/something die.
[X] Someone close to me has died.
[X] I’ve thought about suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
[ ] I collected comic books.
[X] I own a lot of makeup.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[X] I thrive on compliments.
[X] I thrive on hate.

Random
[I've been told I can..] I can sing well.
[ ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don’t kill bugs / don’t like to kill them.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I’m a morning person.
[ ] I’m a sports fanatic.
[X] I twirl my hair.
[X] I care about grammar.
[ ] I love spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
[X] I bake well
[X] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can’t sleep if there’s a spider in the room.
[X] I’m really ticklish.
[X] I like white chocolate.
[X] I bite my nails.
[X] I’m good at remembering faces.
[X] I’m good at remembering names.
[X] I’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[X] All my answers were and will be totally honest.

People
[X] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic.
[X] call me fat.
[X] say I’m skinny.
[X] say I’m ugly.
[X] say I’m pretty.
[X] spread rumors about me.
[X] force me to eat.
[X] say I eat too much.
[X] say I eat too little.
[People think I do.. ] I have an eating disorder.

Eating
[X] I’ve lost weight.
[X] I’ve gained weight.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest.
[ ] I’m at my biggest.
[X] I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
[X] I’ve lost weight but gained it back.
[ ] My weight affects my mood.
[ ] I weigh myself daily.
[X] I’m jealous of people skinnier than me.
[X] I feel happy when I’m hungry.
[ ] I get depressed after eating.
[ ] I diet.
[ ] I’m vegan/vegetarian.
[X] I’ve skipped a meal.
[X] I’ve thrown food away.
[X] I’ve spat food out.
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills.
[ ] I’ve used laxatives.
[ ] I’ve purged.
[X] I exercise.
[ ] I exercise so I can eat.
[X] I work out daily.
[X] I’ve fainted from exhaustion.

Family
[X] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[X] I’ve planned to run away from home before.
[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[X] I want kids.
[ ] I’ve had kids.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

Relationships
[X] I’m single.
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’m a swinger.
[X] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I have/had a friend with benefits.
[ ] I’ve hooked up with someone in little or no notice.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[X] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve physically cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve mentally cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[X] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[X] Someone has had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[X] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[X] I’m a cuddler.
[X] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[X] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times
[X] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[X] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
[ ] I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[X] I have/had anxiety problems.
[X] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[ ] I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I’ve slept an entire day before.
[X] I’ve hurt myself on purpose before.
[X] I am / have been addicted to self-harm.
[X] I’ve woken up crying.
[X] I’ve cried myself to sleep.
[X] I’ve plotted revenge.

I’ve done
[ ] Weed
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[X] I keep my habits a secret.
[ ] I have a diet blog.

Yep.

It's been a while..

2010-06-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ohai..

Forgot I had a blog..

so.. the past 2 months.. what have i done...

Got a boyfriend..

Turn 17..

Went to London..

Got dumped by said boyfriend..

Did resit GCSE maths exams..

Did a show..

Finished college..

So not much really..

Today I went into college to hand in a few pieces of work.. because even though i've finished college pretty much, I still have a couple of pieces of work to do and hand in. I don't technically actually finish until the 24th, but i've passed for this year so any work i do now is just to boost my grade, which is always good.

But anyways, whilst i was at the bus stop waiting for my bus I saw one of the guys that went to my high school and we talked for a bit, and for someone that was always in trouble at school, he's not a bad lad really..

Not really got anything else to say...

-Laura x

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...

2010-04-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that since july i've definitely become alot stronger.

Everything i've been through in life has made me who i am today, and not to sound vain or anything, but i'm pretty damn strong.

Reflection time..

2010-03-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've had a bad week. Lot's of things have gone wrong, i've been upset, angry and just not happy really. Except wednesday, hugs really do make me feel better it seems, i got 55 hugs on wednesday.. i felt rather happy after those 55 hugs and a dance class, but then my bus didn't turn up so that kind of got ruined. oh wells :)

My tutors noticed that I wasn't exactly the happiest of people this week, which can't really be a good thing.

BUT dancing never fails to make me feel better.

My dance teacher tonight told me that when i do side kicks my legs just seem to go on forever, i really want to see myself do side kicks now.. just to see what she means haha.

This week is nearly over, and hopefully next week will be better than this week :)

-Laura
xx

Laura isn't too happy...

2010-02-19T15:59:00.000-08:00

So today I went to the gathering in london which was nice :)

Met Rosy in Leeds at 8:30-ish and got the train at 9:05, and slept for some of the journey because I don't like mornings, then we got to london after 2 and a half hours on the train, we eventually got to the gathering and had gathering times and things. We then went for lunch and whilst we were having lunch my IRL life got destroyed which left me not too happy tbh, I tried to be somewhat happy for the rest of the day, but knowing that on monday it's going to be either awkward or just horrible didn't really help me be happy if i'm honest. I actually love everyone that tried to make me feel better :) or listened to me rant about it. Much appreciated, and sorry I was so rubbish. Then there was more gathering times then I ended up with a group of people in Wagamammas which was nice and things and then Rosy and I had to leave to go get our train home which was sad times and things.

Since I've been at home my mood seems to have gotten worse. URL people make me happy. Can I have URL people now.. or a hug... a hug works too.

end depressing blog.

Sorry.. =/

I can't do it anymore....

2010-02-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

Recently more and more often i've been really struggling to tell people when there's something wrong with me because I know other people that are going through alot worse things that I am and it's them that should be being looked after by everyone...

My dad hasn't messaged me since november, i feel like my biggest fear has come true, that just as i got used to him being around, he disappears again, i've been trying to write him a message all night, i've finally finished writing it, but i'm terrified to send it.. I don't know if i want to.. but I can't take the silence anymore.

Oh shut up Laura, you do this to yourself.

I screwed up....

2010-01-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm putting this here in hope that the people that it's aimed at see it.. i'll link this on twitter and dailybooth where they will probably find it. Although might not.. so i might just link them directly... either way.

Dear you 3,

I screwed up, I know I did, and after talking to one of you I know that I screwed up more than I thought. So lets go through everything and then if you still hate me then fine. I can live with that, as long as you know everything.

Huddersfield.

Right so in huddersfield i ditched you completely. now let me tell you why.

The day before when I was upset anyways I was upset because I thought that I had completely screwed things up with my Dad and it was still on my mind alot at huddersfield so when 2 of you were complaining about being in huddersfield saying things like why would you go to uni somewhere outside of leeds when leeds has perfectly good unis i got annoyed, being tired and having alot on my mind, plus people whining about being given the opportunity to look around a uni outside of leeds just kind of annoyed me. Now i'm not using having things on my mind as an excuse here, because I know that is exactly what you're thinking, i'm just laying out the facts. Also, I kind of wanted to catch up with mel, my friend from high school as i've barely seen her since starting college and it was a perfect opportunity to catch up with her. So I took the opportunity.

Dailybooth.

I'm sure you've all seen what I wrote on my dailybooth, if not then it's been deleted now anyways so it doesn't matter. But anyways..

I know I shouldn't have written that, but I was venting, which I know is no excuse. I shouldn't have written what i wrote, it wasn't fair at all to write that. I don't even really remember writing it if i'm honest. I was extremely tired and when i'm tired i get angry more easily and i complain alot more and i'm just overall over dramatic. And the majority of what I wrote I didn't mean, I was just tired and a little annoyed at the complaining that was going on around the uni, I did hear alot of it at the times when I overheard you talking. And I'm not sure if you noticed but i did kind of isolate myself from everyone in our class whilst on that trip.... anyways, back to the point. I know i shouldn't have written what I wrote, it wasn't fair for me to say it and I didn't mean half of what i said, I was tired and over emotional. I'm sorry.

Thursday.

I knew on thursday you weren't going to want to talk to me. I didn't know if you had seen my dailybooth or twitter or anything so i was a little worried as to if you were going to say anything at all to me. And I figured out straight away that you were annoyed at me. I'm really sorry, really I am.

So thats all the explaining I can really do over here... plus it is 1am I don't really remember what else I've done wrong. I know i've done alot and i'm a total bitch and you probably all hate me more than anything else in this world.

but i'm sorry, really I am, I'm so so sorry. I actually don't think i've been so sorry in my entire life before. I was a total bitch and got annoyed over petty little things, and i'm sorry. Really. I am so sorry.

-Laura x

New years etc...

2010-01-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

So new years was really good. I went to my friends party and just chilled out really. Brought new year in singing the song that everyone seems to sing on new years, and then we sang always look on the bright side of life. I then stayed at her house over night although didn't sleep which is a bit annoying but oh wells. Sorry this is vague and stuff, bad mood and i didn't really want to blog about new years, i just didn't want my first blog of the year to be depressing.

I made some new years resolutions :

1) Be more positive and try to see the positive side to a bad situation. :)
2) Care less about what people think about me
3) Try stay on top of my c/w
4) Be nicer to people i've just met (i seem to have a thing for attacking certain people, it needs to stop.)

I also made another new years resolution, but i'm not putting it here, some people know it... :)

2010;
new year
new start

:D

Story for Paige

2009-12-29T18:31:00.000-08:00

there once was a princess who lived high up in a castle, and one say she was looking out on her land and saw all the happy couples walking down the street together, happy as it was a lovely valentines day. The next day she deciede that it was time for her to finally marry and consulted her father, "father" she said, "i would like to marry" her father was taken-a-back, but made the arrangements for her to meet a handsome young prince from the next village. Soon after she met the handsome young prince she was to be married. On the day of the wedding she was getting ready in her room when along came her father with some important news, "I have some important news" he exlaimed "the arrangements for your wedding have been changed, we are now to escort you to the church in a unicorn drawn carriage instead of horses" "That is fine" said the princess and she headed off to the church. She married the prince and lived happily ever after. The end.

Guys are knob heads.

2009-12-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! GRR

:)

Today i was meant to go on a date with this guy...

He had no intention of going and only asked me so he could stand me up and then take the piss out of me.

FML

what a douche.

Something I found...

2009-12-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

SO basically i just saw this on the wall in my house that I clearly don't pay attention to.. it reads this...

The thing that goes the furthest toward
making life worth while,
That cost the least and does the most....
is just a pleasing smile;
The smile that bubbles from the heart,
that loves its fellow-men,
will drive away the clouds and gloom
and bring the sun again.
There is no room for sadness...
when we see a cheery smile,
it always has the same good luck
its never out of style,
It spurs us on to try again
when failure makes us blue
the simples of encouragement
are good....
for me and you.

some of that might be wrong because its kinda hard to read but you get the jist.

-Laura
xx

Ohai Blog...

2009-12-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

yeah i haven't blogged in ages, i've had nothing to say.. sorry..

still got nothing...

sorry

:D

Life is good.

-Laura
x

sometimes i really do wonder...

2009-10-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hello blog.

Ever felt annoyed that people only talk to you when they need something, well today thats how i felt. But you see this wasn't any old type of i need a favour, this was serious, and it's not like i really could have just ignored it. This person, who I shall not name, came online and simply said to me: "how do i tell my family im self harming and that i tryd to jump of a trian bridge". Now i'm not going to lie, I think it was a little bit harsh of them to spring that on me, but i can't really toss that aside can i? I'm actually genuinely worried about this person as they are infact one of my friends and I don't really want one of my friends committing suicide.

As annoyed as I was at this person for not talking to me for months then springing that on me, I felt slightly relieved that they know they can talk to me, because i am there for anyone who wants to talk, but they seriously only use me for advise, which annoys me. This person isn't the only person to do it though, this person is just one that you can't ignore because of the seriousness of what she said.

I'm scared, I don't want my friend committing suicide. help?

=/

hmm...

2009-10-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

So, my Dad asked if i wanted to meet up with him at the end of the month a few weeks ago and I messaged him back saying that I didn't want to meet up with him yet.

I have plenty of reasons why I don't want to meet up with him yet, for a start I don't want to meet up with him and then him drop off the face of the earth again leaving me feeling hurt and not good enough, therefore I'd rather leave if for now until i fully trust him. The problem is though that I don't even know if i want to know him yet, the only reason I'm messaging him back when he messages me is because i'm scared of him slipping away again, I mean this could be my only chance to ever know him. But ever since I've messaged him back saying i didn't want to meet up with him yet he hasn't messaged me back, it's been atleast 2 weeks, he usually replies within a few days, i'm scared that i've let him down and now feel like he's slipping away from me again. I'm so scared of him slipping away although I don't know if i even want to know him, I'm just scared that if i ever do want to know him and i pass up the opportunity now, that might be my last chance. I don't know what to do. help?

-Laura

Just an explanation really....

2009-09-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

My Dad wants to see me, therefore yet again, my head is messed up. meh, why am i finding this all so hard to deal with?!?!

A mixture of complaining and happiness.

2009-09-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

So, I recently started college, which is going amazingly. I've made like a million (not quite) new friends which is good.

BUT

I have to do resit maths because I got a D in GCSE maths last year, so i'm supposed to be taking the foundation paper, I originally did the higher paper therefore i know all the things on the higher paper and only really know the things on the foundation paper from year 9. Today we did; prime numbers, factors, multiples, integers, cube numbers, square numbers and times tables. I'm sorry if you find these things hard but i find that sort of thing stupidly easy. I'm not saying people who find that sort of thing difficult are thick, but i felt like i was thick being taught them, because it's something i already know and can do easily. I talked to the teacher about it and she said that she'd noticed that I was finding it easy so she's said that i can go to the higher lessons to see if i can cope. She also said that i was looking a bit cool and relaxed in the lesson and that the higher class was a class of people who were really dedicated and really wanted to learn, which riled me, so i tried to explain that when i find something really easy i tend to get frustrated if i put too much effort in because its just too easy, and she didn't want to know, which made me think how the fuck does she expect to understand her class if she doesn't allow them to explain themselves at times. Eventually I kind of found a gap where she wasn't talking and told her because i didn't want her thinking that i'm just going to go into the class relaxed and acting like i don't really give a shit. because, believe it or not i do, I want to get my GCSE maths because i'll need it to be able to get into uni and also i think i could probably get it quite easily because i know all the stuff i need to know to get it, when i took the exam i was having an off day which is probably why i didn't get it. So that got me really annoyed.

But other than that, college is amazing so far, i can't really complain. I have a new friendship group, Lindsey, Emma and Jodie, and Lindsey and Emma's BFs sometimes. They are all epic people :).

Since going to college, i've gained a heck of a lot of confidence, and i've become the happy bubbly person that i used to be like 3/4 years ago, just a little less hyper and annoying. :)

My course at college is so far going well, my tutors are alright, i prefer some to others because some came off as moody gits during this week, but they might just have been like that for the first lesson for one reason or another, they might be nicer next lesson. But only time will tell.

:)

All in all, I like my life at the moment :)

-Laura
x

This is why i love Alice

2009-09-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

[19:34:47] Laura...<3 says:
WE SHOULD BE LOVERS, and thats a fact. no nothing, would keep us together, we could turn just for one day, we could be heros for ever and ever, we could be heros for ever and ever, we can be heros just because of i will always love you (8)
[19:34:58] Alice says:
BEST FILM EVAR
[19:35:03] Laura...<3 says:
just a bit
[19:35:20] Laura...<3 says:
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<£<£<££<<£<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<£<£<£,<33333333333333333333333
[19:35:22] Laura...<3 says:
:)
[19:35:46] Laura...<3 says:
love is many a spledid thing
[19:36:47] Laura...<3 says:
i can marry ewan mcgroger yes?
[19:36:56] Alice says:
Omg I know <3
[19:37:19] Laura...<3 says:
LOVE LIFTS UP WHERE WE BELONG
[19:37:27] Laura...<3 says:
WHERE EAGLES FLY ON A MOUNTTIAN HIGH
[19:37:37] Laura...<3 says:
LOVE MAKES US ACT LIKE WE ARE FOOLS
[19:37:42] Alice says:
THROW OUR LIVES AWAY
[19:37:46] Alice says:
FOR ONE HAPPY DAY
[19:37:51] Alice says:
WE COULD BE HEROESSSSSSSSSSSS
[19:38:06] Laura...<3 says:
just for one day
[19:38:11] Laura...<3 says:
YOU YOU WILL BE MEAN
[19:38:13] Laura...<3 says:
no i wont
[19:38:20] Laura...<3 says:
AND I I'LL DRINK ALL THE TIME
[19:38:20] Alice says:
I, I'LL DRINK ALL THE TIME
[19:38:24] Laura...<3 says:
HA!
[19:38:26] Laura...<3 says:
i beat you
[19:38:31] Alice says:
flip off
[19:38:32] Laura...<3 says:
:P
[19:38:38] Alice says:
I forgot caps and had to do it again
[19:38:45] Alice says:
in other news
[19:38:47] Laura...<3 says:
lol fail
[19:38:50] Laura...<3 says:
haha
[19:38:55] Laura...<3 says:
(l)
[19:38:58] Laura...<3 says:
moulin rouge
[19:39:02] Laura...<3 says:
i want to marry it
[19:39:05] Laura...<3 says:
please?
[19:39:41] Alice says:
I want to marry it too
[19:39:48] Alice says:
Do you think it could be a bigamist?
[19:40:01] Laura...<3 says:
yes.
[19:40:12] Laura...<3 says:
because i think everyone on the planet should marry it
[19:40:19] Laura...<3 says:
as i think that it is the best film ever
[19:40:36] Alice says:
mhm
[19:41:27] Laura...<3 says:
SAT ON THE ROOF AND I KICKED OFF THE MOSS
[19:41:32] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[19:41:45] Alice says:
loll
[19:42:27] Laura...<3 says:
SO EXCUSE ME FOR GETTING BUT THESE THINGS I DO SEE I'VE FORGOTTEN IF THEY'RE GREEN OR IF THEY'RE BLUE
[19:42:39] Laura...<3 says:
i dont even think those are the right words but hey
[19:43:12] Alice says:
but hey
[19:43:25] Laura...<3 says:
GUESS WHAT
[19:43:31] Alice says:
WHAT
[19:43:39] Laura...<3 says:
THE SKY IS FALLING!
[19:43:41] Laura...<3 says:
AND
[19:43:57] Laura...<3 says:
THE HILLS THEY'RE ALIVE. WITH THE SOUND.. THE SOUND OF MUSIC...
[19:44:14] Alice says:
WITH SONGS THEY HAVE SUNG
[19:44:22] Alice says:
FOR A THOUSANDDDDDDDDDDDDDD YEARS
[19:44:33] Laura...<3 says:
what i dont understand is how hills sing..
[19:44:59] Alice says:
Metaphorical, Laura.
[19:45:06] Laura...<3 says:
I know.
[19:45:09] Laura...<3 says:
but still!!!
[19:45:16] Laura...<3 says:
WHATS IT A METAPHOR FOR
[19:45:28] Alice says:
THEM BEING FULL OF LIFE
[19:45:35] Alice says:
AND ALSO MAKING YOU SING
[19:45:38] Laura...<3 says:
BUT THEY AREN'T
[19:45:43] Laura...<3 says:
RAWR
[19:45:43] Alice says:
RUN TO THE HILLS!
[19:46:33] Laura...<3 says:
WE SHOULD BE LOVERS
[19:46:47] Laura...<3 says:
and that.. that right there is a fact
[19:46:58] Alice says:
LET'S DO IT ;)
[19:47:03] Laura...<3 says:
lets
[19:47:09] Laura...<3 says:
we could be heros
[19:47:13] Laura...<3 says:
for ever and ever :)
[19:47:17] Laura...<3 says:
:O
[19:47:18] Alice says:
we could be heroeees
[19:47:19] Laura...<3 says:
even
[19:47:19] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[19:47:29] Alice says:
just for one day
[19:47:33] Laura...<3 says:
no.
[19:47:38] Laura...<3 says:
for ever and ever.
[19:47:45] Laura...<3 says:
EVERAND EVER AND EVARRRRRRR
[19:47:46] Laura...<3 says:
yes
[19:47:49] Laura...<3 says:
:D
[19:48:01] Alice says:
ME + YOU = (L)
[19:48:02] Alice says:
:S
[19:48:04] Alice says:
:D***
[19:48:08] Laura...<3 says:
YES!
[19:48:26] Laura...<3 says:
MY GIFT IS MY SONG!
[19:48:30] Laura...<3 says:
AND THIS ONES FOR YOU!
[19:48:41] Laura...<3 says:
and you can tell everybody
[19:48:45] Alice says:
Love is like oxygen.
[19:48:48] Laura...<3 says:
that this right here is your song
[19:48:51] Alice says:
Love is a many spendid thing
[19:49:29] Laura...<3 says:
love lifts us up where we belong
[19:49:46] Laura...<3 says:
love is all you need
[19:50:17] Laura...<3 says:
:D
[19:50:21] Alice says:
:D
[19:50:32] Laura...<3 says:
I LOVE YOU ALICE :P
[19:50:39] Alice says:
I LOVE YOU LAURA :P
[19:50:43] Laura...<3 says:
YEY
[19:50:52] Laura...<3 says:
LETS GET A DAILY RAMBLES WEDDING
[19:50:57] Alice says:
OMG OMG OMG
[19:51:00] Alice says:
YESSSSSSSSSSSS
[19:51:05] Alice says:
WE ARE LOVERSSSSSS
[19:51:08] Alice says:
AND THAT'S A FACT
[19:51:17] Laura...<3 says:
YES. that is a fact!
[19:51:32] Laura...<3 says:
i nearly typed face..
[19:51:40] Laura...<3 says:
that.. right there... is a face.
[19:51:45] Laura...<3 says:
:P
[19:52:11] Alice says:
I nearly wrote we ate lovers...
[19:52:16] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[19:52:37] Laura...<3 says:
we ate lovers... and thats a face
[19:52:38] Laura...<3 says:
:P
[19:53:17] Laura...<3 says:
we ate lovers.. and just off subject a bit... that there is a face. yes.
[19:53:27] Alice says:
*Lol*
[19:53:42] Laura...<3 says:
i'm crying from laughter.
[19:53:47] Alice says:
:D
[19:53:50] Alice says:
I'm almost cring
[19:53:56] Alice says:
but idk if it's laugher or moulin rouge
[19:54:04] Alice says:
OR HAPPINESS THAT WE'RE FINALLY TOGETHER <3
[19:54:13] Laura...<3 says:
lmao
[19:54:33] Laura...<3 says:
but why is this not stated in your name!!
[19:55:03] Alice says:
it should be stated in yours too missy
[19:55:10] Laura...<3 says:
it is
[19:55:15] Laura...<3 says:
*technically*
[19:55:28] Alice says:
hahah
[19:55:51] Laura...<3 says:
happy?
[19:55:55] Alice says:
:D
[19:57:11] Alice says:
I'm bobbing my head to the violin bit in roxanne 8-)
[19:57:49] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[19:59:16] Alice says:
check your @replies xD
[19:59:44] Laura...<3 says:
i seed it
[20:01:18] Alice says:
why did you not reply? :'(
[20:01:33] Laura...<3 says:
cos.. i thought it was better left like that
[20:01:39] Alice says:
:(
[20:01:42] Laura...<3 says:
:(
[20:01:45] Laura...<3 says:
i'll reply now
[20:01:50] Alice says:
cheaaaaa
[20:02:10] Alice says:
It's the least you can do for making me still not have done any work...
[20:02:11] Alice says:
lolz
[20:02:38] Laura...<3 says:
huh?

[20:10:49] Laura...<3 says:
go die
[20:10:51] Laura...<3 says:
:)
[20:11:26] Alice says:
BUT THEN WE WOULDN'T BE FOREVER AND EVER [20:12:02] Alice says:
I'm not a cool kid with a lappy :(
[20:12:21] Laura...<3 says:
:(
[20:12:45] Laura...<3 says:
WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER BECAUSE I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL MY DYING DAY!!!
[20:12:53] Alice says:
:)
[20:19:09] Alice says:
and ja

[20:20:10] Laura...<3 says:
i am strong when i am on your shoulder
[20:20:17] Laura...<3 says:
you raise me up to more than i can be
[20:20:26] Laura...<3 says:
you raise me up so i can stand on mountains
[20:23:07] Alice says:
kthx
[20:23:08] Alice says:
:P
[20:23:16] Laura...<3 says:
lmao

[20:59:18] Alice says:
:D YAY I'M GETTING FED
[20:59:52] Laura...<3 says:
cools
[20:59:57] Laura...<3 says:
me2... in about an hour
[20:59:58] Laura...<3 says:
fml
[21:00:02] Alice says:
Ah
[21:00:11] Alice says:
You lead a life like mine
[21:00:23] Alice says:
Last night I went to bed before my mum
[21:00:26] Alice says:
..at 3.30 am
[21:00:36] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[21:00:58] Laura...<3 says:
i went to bed at the same time as my mum last night/this morning..
[21:01:02] Laura...<3 says:
1:30am
[21:01:03] Laura...<3 says:
(y)
[21:01:07] Alice says:
(Y)
[21:01:45] Laura...<3 says:
lol
[21:02:01] Laura...<3 says:
theres an offer on somewhere for glasses.. what ever your age is the discount you get..
[21:02:20] Laura...<3 says:
imagine if you were 100.. getting 100% discount
[21:02:23] Laura...<3 says:
immense
[21:02:28] Alice says:
omg
[21:02:29] Alice says:
wow
[21:02:36] Alice says:
anyhow brb x
[21:02:42] Laura...<3 says:
shit for us though.. and hb
[21:47:05] Alice says:
bbackkk
[21:47:08] Laura...<3 says:
wb
[21:47:27] Alice says:
I feel like I'm on a talk show
[21:47:36] Alice says:
Hello and welcome back to the Laura Thrulow show...
[21:47:38] Laura...<3 says:
lol, why?
[21:47:53] Alice says:
the welcome
[21:47:54] Alice says:
xD
[21:47:59] Laura...<3 says:
lol, fair enough
[21:56:09] Laura...<3 says:
soooo
[21:56:17] Laura...<3 says:
what was it like?
[21:56:34] Alice says:
huh?
[21:56:51] Laura...<3 says:
sticking with the talk show theme lol
[21:57:27] Alice says:
ohhh
[21:57:30] Alice says:
it was amazing
[21:57:32] Alice says:
a great experience
[21:58:07] Laura...<3 says:
fantastic, so you weren't at all scared throughout the experience?
[22:00:32] Alice says:
no no
[22:00:37] Alice says:
it was just like wow
[22:00:43] Alice says:
I was wearing my blue bow tie and that
[22:01:31] Laura...<3 says:
very nice, that was alice talking about her rape experience. our next guest is sophie talking about her bad boob job experience after this break
[22:02:56] Alice says:
*claps*
[22:03:35] Laura...<3 says:
lmao
[22:04:58] Laura...<3 says:
sooo
[22:06:17] Alice says:
so laura
[22:06:27] Alice says:
what emotions did you feel throughout?
[22:06:51] Laura...<3 says:
none,i was emotionless
[22:07:21] Alice says:
Wow, so how do you feel about it with hindsight?
[22:08:13] Laura...<3 says:
i'm not entirely sure really, it was definatly an experience t hat could have been different in some aspects
[22:08:39] Alice says:
What about the other person involved? How do you feel about them?
[22:09:08] Laura...<3 says:
well i dont hate them, it wasn't their fault
[22:09:17] Alice says:
Thank you for coming on the show Laura
[22:09:26] Alice says:
So everyone that was Laura talking about her wedding
[22:09:31] Laura...<3 says:
lmao
[22:09:58] Alice says:
tune in after the break for Emma talking about her relationship with bigamist husband moulin rouge
[22:10:05] Laura...<3 says:
lmao
[22:10:15] Laura...<3 says:
you make me laugh lol
[22:10:20] Alice says:
That as better be off on the floor.
[22:10:26] Alice says:
ass*
[22:10:32] Alice says:
you bet I do (H)
[22:10:52] Laura...<3 says:
i'm so tempted to copy and paste this into my blog..
[22:10:55] Laura...<3 says:
just for the lulz
[22:11:27] Alice says:
OMG DO
[22:11:39] Alice says:
I was tempted to do it earlier
[22:11:40] Alice says:
ahah

-Laura

x

hmm...

2009-09-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

I want to write about Summer in the City and how amazing it was any everything, but i feel far too selfish to write about it right now...

I feel so selfish writing this, but i'm going to anyway.

As i'm sure you're all aware, my dad got in contact. Previous to him getting in contact i'd been thinking about possibly getting in contact with him when i left home so i could have some time to think about it and if i defiantly wanted to go through with it. But then he got in contact with me, which completely threw me, if you didn't notice. when ever he messages me it doesn't seem to have much thought or effort behind them. I could possibly be expecting too much, but it all seems, false?

My life is going pretty well at the moment, but i have the nagging feeling in the back of my mind being all like.. your dad your dad what about him, which sometimes can spoil something good. For example whilst i was on holiday in poland my family brought it up, and i really don't like talking about it all with people, i'll write it here because its not a conversation, its just my thoughts.

This blog really doesn't have any order or anything, its just a mash of all my thoughts.

I feel kind of selfish or something because i wanted to get in contact with my dad but when he got in contact with me i didn't want to know. i'm still very wary of it and i don't like it.

I don't know where i'm going with this now.. my head is a mess. ouch. haha

on the bright side the rest of my life is win :)

-Laura
x

update update update

2009-08-23T04:54:00.000-07:00

Hello blog, I neglect you.

Its been almost a month since i posted anything on here and i'll tell you why. I gained some sort of a social life. Since I last posted a blog I've; been on holiday (again :P), i've been to a gathering, i've been hanging around with IRL people and internet peoples at the same time :O.

1. Holiday.
I took Amber on holiday with me to Primrose Valley, which is a haven holiday camp. Which was pretty good. I learnt several things about myself whilst I was there. 1. I go places, eat, and then leave, far too often. 2. I'm really lazy. 3. I say "thats not the point" but have no idea what the point actually is. 4. I let stupid things get me down. etc. Also I went swimming for the first time in like 4 years whilst i was there.

2. Gathering.
I went to boomingham. It was amazing, so glad i decided to go after spending a week debating if i was going to go or not.

3. Hanging around with IRL people (:O)
So I have a friend (I have many but this one particular friend) called Rachael who I seem to have hung around with alot over summer, and when i say alot i mean twice. Calum came up to Leeds and I ended up hanging out with him and Rachael which was pretty fun, and Emily also came up to Leeds and we hung around with Rachael aswell, which was also pretty cool, and Rachael is like dying to meet more youtubers now because they're all epic. Other youtubers seem to be friends with alot of people who think being on youtube is weird, most of the people that i know are the complete opposite. Yesterday I was hanging out with Jodie and we were talking about youtube and SHE came up with an idea for a video which we're going to do and shes also going to get a youtube account. Another friend of mine, Lindsey, I was talking to about boomingham and she has decided shes going to actually use her youtube account and go to gatherings. So I think I have some pretty epic friends if i'm honest. I was just hanging around with the wrong people in high school. well thats 5 years of my life wasted, haha.

All in all I can honestly say my life 'aint so bad after all. I'm just WAAAAAYYYYY over dramatic about little things. haha

-Laura

x

Poland

2009-07-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

So, I went away to Krakow, Poland, on wednesday, and i have to say it's a really nice place. I'll probably go back there sometime. Oh, It's cheap too (y)

So on wednesday i got up at like 6 and went to liverpool john lennon airport where i got a plane to krakow and met the tour guide person and we got the coach to the hotel. Checked in. Went to our room. Went back down and was shown the way to the centre.

In the centre there is a big square with LOADS of eating places around the edges. Seriously, LOADS! There are also some shops and a market. There was also a concert being set up for.

Thursday, we got up, had breakfast, went to go meet the tour guide and we went on a walking tour of krakow which was pretty cool. we saw all the touristy places and the castle and the churches etc. then in the afternoon we were free to do what we want so we just went around the shops and ate and things.

Friday, we went to Auswitchz. I don't really know what I thought of it really. It was quite different to what I expected. It looked nicer than i thought it was going to. And by nicer I mean the building work, not what happened there. The tour guide person who took us around kept it all factual, because its a bit of a sad place to begin with, and some people can get upset about it all. We went into the only cerematorium and gas chamber that wasn't destroyed by the natzis, which was a surreal experience. In the gas chamber it was like a huge room with shower heads in the roof and some like holes in the roof where the cyclone b or whatever it was called (the gas used to exterminate the people) in. And there was a room next to it where there was some fernises where the people were burnt. In another part of the concentration camp there were the blocks where the people stayed. There were some glass cases with things like shoes, hair, pots and pans, clothes and the prosetic limbs that some of the people had. It was weird.

Saturday, in the morning we went on a tour of the jewish quarters where some of shindlers list was filmed which was kinda cool, then we just chilled around krakow until we had to get the coach to the airport to go home.

and now i'm home

:)

-Laura
x

Little post

2009-07-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I've just posted a video on my channel, even though I'm supposed to be on a break, as I needed a creative outlet therefore made that and decided I may as well post it.

I still haven't a clue what I'm going to do about my Dad, I want to message him back but no idea what to say if I'm honest.

Moving on, an explanation of the video is basically that I've been pondering over replying to my Dad and it's left me very phased out from things and I've been pondering over things a heck of a lot. Although I've been coping better and I'm not as emotionally drained, I'm still not perfect. I'm angry but I'm also quite, I don't know... my emotions are all messed up. I don't think any of this is making sense as I can't really explain my video other that what's in my other 2 posts on the matter to be quite honest.

ah well..

-Laura
x

14/07/09

2009-07-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

So a few people have said that in my last blog I was rather open, I didn't think I was that open really, but okay... I guess this is going to be a bit open aswell...

Yesterday I went into school to go see a teacher about my dad getting in contact, and she basically said that I should message him back because if I don't I'm not only punishing him, but I'm also kind of punishing myself because I later might regret it and live thinking about that what ifs. So i messaged him back saying "Umm... hi?" but thought that was a bit rude so i replied again saying "Sorry that was a rather vague and a bit of a rude response. My mum told me you got in contact... umm.. yeah..." to which he replied:

Well, lets see............. I hope all your exams went well and you didnt stress out too much.......... I dont know how much your mum as told you about me, but feel free to ask me any questions. I will answer them truthfully and I hope we can get to know each other......... Thats if you want to. Im not going to press you on anything and it will be upto you to lead the way.

Thats it for now............

Hope to hear from you soon.......

Dad

Then about an hour later replied again with this:

Just one more thing, I would like to say that your mum, grandma and grandad Rudd and Katherine have all had their say about me and that you must be careful what you say.......... Well what ever they have told you about me is proberly true, They are all good people and they have done a marvalous job in bringing you up and keeping you level headed..........

Im sorry that Ive appeared out of the woodwork but like I said earlier it really is up to you.......... If you dont want to do this now thats fine........ This will be up and running for you to get in touch when you want.......... I will check it on a weekly basis and if theres a message from you I will reply and I hope that we can move forward and get to know each other.............

Well Thats it for now..........

Dad

So I went back into school to see miss because I really don't know what to do or what he meant really, and miss basically said that he means that it's my call and he understands that it's not an easy decision to make.

I really do wish that someone could just tell me what to do and what to say. But sadly for me, it's my call and only I can make this decision. I really do hate this. It has emotionally drained me, I'm tired all the time even though I'm getting masses of sleep and doing nothing during the day. On the bright side, the numbness has subsided and i'm no longer as tight chested or dizzy.

I can't wait till life gets back to normal completely.

-Laura
x

Numbness.

2009-07-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

I feel numb, and tight chested. My Dad got in contact. Oh and I'm dizzy too.

First he messaged my mum with this:

Hi Elizabeth,

Just found you on here and Laura............ Dont worry, Im not going to contact Laura.......... She will be 16 in a few weeks and she will be doing her exams, hence I dont want to disturb her........... But would it be possible for me tto contact her in a few months when she has finished them................

I come up to Leeds about 2 to 3 times a year, my next visit will be in May...... Dont panic, I wont be contacting you when Im there, Im just saying, thats all.

Hope you are well, sorry for coming out of the blue like this but I dont know if your still at the same address, I know where you where but dont have any contact details for you at all.

Hope all your family is ok, I see Katherine is in London, Your dad looks well. I was suprised that your Mum wasnt on here, hope everything is ok with her..........

Hope to hear back from you soon........

Les.

following that he sent this after i presume she replied:

Good Morning, How is Laura doing in her exams? Is she coping ok? Ive done nothing but think about her and hoping that she will speak to me.

Thats just part of the message, the rest isn't really important or relevent.. just what he's been doing the past 13 years.

He then messaged me about half an hour or so ago with this:

Hi Laura, This is your dad, Leslie Thurlow.......... Before you do anything or reply to this please speak to your Mum first to confirm that I am who I am...........

Dad

I don't have a clue what to do, I don't know if I should reply, because as much as i may regret it in the future.. what if he disappears again... i'll just get hurt.. I don't want to get hurt. But for now.. I remain numb, tight chested and dizzy at the thought of it all. I wish he hadn't of got in contact I was happy the way things were thinking he wanted nothing to do with me, I knew where I was going, what I was doing and how I was going to achieve things. I feel sick.

-Laura
x

life's like an hour glass glued to the table..

2009-07-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

Title = Song lyrics.

So recently I had college induction which was amazing. I've found out that there are only 4 people from my old school, including me, going to that college, which is possibly the best thing ever. I have a fresh start, no one knows anything about me. FINALLY, I can have friends who know me for me and not know certain things about me from my past that everyone at my school can't seem to just forget.

Over the past 5 years I've been bullied to the point that i've had several break downs, I've been depressed and had to be on anti-depressants for a while, I've also had counseling twice, i've seen psychiatrists, all sorts because of it. At one point I even resorted to self harm because I felt so bad, and trust me it's not easy stopping, a year later I still find it hard making sure I don't do it. You might be wondering if I tried standing up the the bullies, tried it, didn't work. I've told teachers, that didn't work either. I've tried ignoring it. Easier said than done when someone pours milk down you.

So yeah, high school wasn't easy for me. All because of a stupid medical condition that I had when I was younger. But that's not the point of this blog.

So at my college, there's only 4 people including me going from my school, which is great as none of the people going are shallow enough to spread rumours about my past. So college is a fresh start, new people, new place, new friends. I've already got a few new friends, which is good. Bring on september.. but not yet, i'd like summer first :) haha.

=]

-Laura
x

The right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do...

2009-06-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

On thursday a friend of mine told me that they had been self harming, now as a peer supporter this means i have to tell the head of peer support about that, so for the 2 hours after she told me i debated telling miss and asked a few people if i should, all of which said i should, so at lunch i went to find miss and told her the situation without mentioning names. She then asked who it was so i told her and she then said that i had to get get to either tell her form tutor or another member of staff or to tell another peer supporter because it had put me in a horrible position because i'm her friend, but also a peer supporter. She refused to tell anyone so i had to go back to miss which meant that i had officially told her because until she refuses to tell anyone i haven't told her yet. My friend then found out that i had told miss and, well lets put it this way, she wasn't too happy about it. She then told another friend of mine that i had told miss who said that i had no right to tell miss. She then told another friend of mine who saw it from both sides. Anyways, I spent the rest of the day feeling like utter crap as it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my entire life. I mean for a start it's not nice knowing for a start that your friend is self harming, and its even harder telling a teacher about it. So i ended up in tears a few times because i felt so bad for telling although even my teacher said that i had done the right thing and i had another one of my friends saying that i'd done the right thing. But how can the right thing feel so wrong?

Later that night my friend came online on MSN and said "u know uve made me feel worse by the way y the hell did u tell miss" to which i responded with the reasons and how hard it was and that it didn't exactly make me feel amazing. and she appologised to me. Even though she had forgiven me it still didn't make me feel any better...

Anyways, yesterday she made me go into school to see miss with her, so i ended up in school over lunch, which i wasn't too happy about. But yeah, we ended in a meeting with miss who found out why she was doing it and stuff.

Either way. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

-Laura
x

haha

2009-06-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

So I keep writing posts then not finishing them because I get distracted so lets make this fast.

Basically, guys are dicks. I want to join a nunnery. haha I'm not joking, okay maybe I am. But guys are too confusing. One minute he likes me, the next he's ignoring me. He needs to stop being schizophrenic haha, anyways, enough about schizo dude.

So. I filmed a video yesterday with Alice, it was fun time jaja. haha, yeah, I'm happy with the way it turned out :)

Erm..

Life's good.

I'm far too distracted to write this.. haha

-Laura

x

10/06/09

2009-06-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

So today I was walking home from school with Shelly and we were just talking like you do, and she said how I seem to have such a depressing life but I always seem to be smiling. I know I complain alot, but my life isn't really that bad. I tend to dwell on the bad things because I find it easier to get it out that way. I will admit I am a bit of a pessimist, and by a bit I mean I am a pessimist, I can't help it. sorry. But anyways, back to the point. I've known Shelly for about 3 weeks and she already has me summed up haha. I like the way that someones noticed that I tend to just smile through all the shit I go through. Life isn't so bad, it could be alot worse.

Also I've recently found out who my true friends are, and as much as I hate to admit it, they're a year younger than me, and one of them is 2 years younger than me. haha. I've come to the conclusion that the people in my year are all idiots. I don't like them and I can't wait til the end of exams to get rid of them for good, although i'll have to put up with them at prom. haha. Life seems to be getting better, minus this whole eating thing. EAT LAURA EAT!! haha. I'm sure I'll get over it soon. :)

-Laura

xx

This is not happeninggggg

2009-06-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

ahhh..

Why do I care so much about what people say, someone said to me the other day that all i seem to do is eat. I seriously wish people would stop saying that, if anything i don't eat enough. And for some reason at the moment I'm seriously not eating enough. Tonight at dancing one of my friends said that I looked like i'd lost alot of weight, and I'm not going to lie, I have. I've probably lost a stone in weight recently. And it's scaring me. I'm only doing it to myself, but that isn't the point. For some reason I am very very self conscious. To be honest, I know exactly why but I don't want to mention that here. So at the moment I seem to be only eating one meal a day and I seem to want to eat fruit more than I want to eat normal food. It's actually scaring me. I need to eat but my head seem to be telling me that I eat too much because of what other people say. Why do I care so much about what other people say!!! Any ways. Hopefully this will pass and not turn into an eating disorder or anything. =S. *fingers crossed*

Thats all i really wanted to say.

-Laura

x

eurgh.

2009-06-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

So I've been trying to blog for weeks now and it's just not working. There's a ton that I want to say, but I just can't.

hmm..

yeah, I can't blog. This just isn't happening. meh.

-Laura

Long time no blog...

2009-05-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

I love my life sometimes. I hate it others. But on the whole, I don't have it as bad as i make it out to be.

I went to le gathering on saturday, which was epic. <3 all the people who were there. I got to see some people again and got to meet some people that i've not met before. On the whole it was a fantastic day. I got sun burn though, but it was so worth it. Almost got kid napped on the way home aswell lol.

I'm sure I have that SAD thingy.. my moods always seem to reflect the weather haha. I love the sun. It's sunny right now. The sun makes me happy. I have the vocabulary of a 7 year old. I'm going to go sit in the garden. I am now in the garden. :) I love summer. It always makes me happy.

I left school on thursday. I cried, they made us sing "Don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith. It set most of my year off crying, even some of the guys who you wouldn't expect to cry cried. It was an emotional time. I can't listen to that song without crying now. Stupid school. I like that song aswell.

I've been feeling quite distant from the internet recently, although whenever i'm not online for a bit but i'm around the house i just want to be online. I need to get new friends who will actually invite me to go out places. Although I could always ask them to go places but I'm too unorganised for that kind of thing. haha

I've just posted a video on youtube, well when i say just i mean about an hour ago, slight more detailed explanation of it:
Basically, all my friends seem to have fallen out with me and the ones that haven't i seem to be pushing away I have no idea why. I seem to want to be alone but surrounded by people at the same time. All the blogs i've posted in the past month about whats been going on all contain real emotion, and it seems to be that people don't want me to be happy. But then theres Nathan, seriously this guy is amazing. I push him away all the time, but he's really not that bad, he's always there for me but i never seem to want him around. I'm gonna miss him next year though. =/ But yeah. Everything got me weirdly emotional. So yeah, thats that.

This is such a random blog. haha

I love my life. =]

I hate this part right here...

2009-05-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

Oh i hate this part right here.. i hate this part right here.. i just cant take these tears.. i hate this part here...

yeah..

-Laura

x

14/05/09

2009-05-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well.. My last post was a bit over dramatic. haha

Erm..
I don't really have anything to say...

It was my birthday yesterday... Got an ipod touch =]

nothing else to say really...

Well nothing that I want to write here..

-Laura

well done. you've done it.

2009-05-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

After all this time, they've finally done it. I'm upset, crying, wishing I was dead.

I try and I try, I really do. I try to be happy. People complain that I'm always depressing or that I'm over dramatic. But I swear, if they had been through everything i've been through in the past 15 (nearly 16) years they'd find it hard to find reasons to be happy. I've been in a fantastic mood all week and then BAM. My good mood destroyed in an hour by idiots who gain a piece of information from primary school and torture you with it for the rest of your life.

I've just posted my dailybooth photo for today (http://dailybooth.com/Laurathesmall/306544) and it probably looks rather attention seeking like but i don't care. Thats what i look like and exactly how i feel. I'm sick of everything right now. Well.. not everything, that's a bit over dramatic. But I'm sick of certain people. Can they not grow up.

I'm really not in the mood to write about this.

-Laura

xx

I re-did my yearbook statement...

2009-05-07T06:59:00.001-07:00

My best school moment was - Germany trip in year 8 "Laura turn on the light" "no they might bite me" haha. And history.. "fluffy mushrooms!" And year 8 Maths "miss, have you ever been to grease?"

In 10 years time I will - ...be 25 scary thought there. Hopefully in a job working with children.

3 words to describe me are - Small, random, reserved.

If I could do anything again it would be ...well I wouldn't really want to repeat high school at all, but i think i'd repeat some of year 8. =]

What I will miss the most is the drama seeing as I seem to attract it, my friends and the laughs.

my year book statement.

2009-05-06T05:46:00.001-07:00

My best school moment was - The Germany trip in year 8.

In 10 years time I will - ...be 25 scary thought there. Hopefully in a job working with children.

3 words to describe me are - Small, random, shy.

If I could do anything again it would be the whole of year 8.

What I will miss the most is the drama.

oh deary me.

2009-05-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure you've gathered from previous posts I've not been the happiest people recently. Well, over the weekend I've been feeling better. And I haven't been so depressing to everyone I've talked to which is good.

I usually will just fake being fine when there's something wrong. This time it hit me too hard for me to keep it in. I cried at school on monday which is something I NEVER do. EVER. It's a very rare thing if you see me crying at all, never mind at school. I also was in tears on thursday. So for me to cry that much in 1 week states that there really was something wrong. I know I can be over emotional sometimes. But you know when I'm really upset when I'm in tears more than once a week or in front of someone.

Small update on the situation:
Sam blocked me on msn with her name as "For someone who didn't see it as a big deal they're sure making it into one. Fucking hypocrite" I find this bang out of order. I mean I know I've made a bit of a big deal about it all. But it's not about the dress, it's about the things she's said and the things she's done. I don't mind the colour of a dress, I do on the other hand care about the fact that her mother has been bang out of order with the sorts of things she's said to my mum.

The whole thing has hit me pretty hard and I'm feeling quite down about it. But I can cope with it all now. But I hate how I'm on the hurt side and she's the one doing the hurting. At the moment I just want to take my dress back and forget about prom all together. I've never seen the point in getting dressed up and spending a night with people that I dislike anyway. But I'm being forced to prom by several people now so I suppose I'm going to have to go.

Also, something that made me happy:
Well seeing as sam is being a bitch about the dress thing and has refused to let me in the limo to get to school to go to prom my friend Siobhan has ordered a limo for us and a few other people to go to prom in which is lovely of her. Nice to know that not all people are total twats. =]

-Laura

xx

oh my gosh.

2009-04-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

this picture pretty much sums up today - http://dailybooth.com/Laurathesmall/272929 (taken whilst I was crying)

I've had a tough week. I really don't help myself, but still. I'm trying to be optimistic, it's not working too well.. but i'm trying.

So on tuesday night there was an msn conversation that got out of hand that I wasn't actually part of, but it was supposed to be about me. The people who were in the conversation presumed that it was about someone else. So when I found out about this I had to tell the person because it was my fault. So I told this person who then went and told the people in the conversation which has just caused me grief in the conversation.

The other people in the conversation.. well.. 2 of them, wanted to know what i'd said to her so they ended up reading the whole conversation in which i had bitched about one of them because if i'm honest.. she deserves to be bitched about.

So now she pretty much hates me.. but i've never really liked her so w.e..

She's also arranged to get a limo to school to get the coach to prom which i'm not allowed to be part of because i'm wearing the same colour dress.. pathetic.

Her mum also text my mum with this earlier (I've corrected some of the spelling and grammar) "you best tell your laura to stop slagging sam off on facebook other wise laura going to find her self in a lot of trouble"
I haven't even said anything about her on facebook.. although she did read that conversation that I had which is probably what she meant. But I wasn't slagging her off.. I was telling the truth because someone asked. Which is what I usually do when people ask me things.

I also had tilly, jack and laura being idiots in science throwing wet paper towels at me. That made me annoyed.

After all this that has happened today I ended up in tears. But I'm fine now. =]

14 days, only 14 days left at school. Just got to remember that

And this was a really half hearted blog lol

-Laura

x

Being optimistic in a pessimistic way...

2009-04-28T07:39:00.001-07:00

Okay, so yesterday couldn't have been much worse. I was in a bad mood to start with then my science teacher pissed me off then sent me out and as she sent me out a group of people who pretty much just bully me started then I came back in and they started again and i was in one of those moods where i just ended up bursting into tears. My other science teacher told me to go work in her room away from the people. Jo being the awesome person that she is came in to make sure i was alright which set me off crying even more but then i just cried it all out and still felt like crap. The rest of the day went like this:

Food tech - calming down
Break - bursting into tears again
English - calming down
RE - bursting into tears again after people starting again
Lunch - Sorting self out
Maths- Trying to forget the losers.

Oh and water proof make up isn't water proof at all. it came straight off when i cried.

Anyways.

On top off all that I got home to my mum saying that my so called friends mum had rung saying that we had the same dress, which later on turned out that the colour was the same and the style was kind of similar. I then got a text from my friend saying that i could get the dress just not in that colour. WHO IS SHE TO TELL ME WHAT COLOUR DRESS I CAN WEAR! So i text her back saying that i wasn't changing the colour.. to which she replyed that she wasn't either so i was like i never asked you to! And later on her mum had the cheek to phone my mum saying that if i was her daughter i'd be wearing my bridesmaid dress from last year or i'd be wearing a yellow dress. and that i should get a different colour dress because the colour of the dress goes well with my so called friends eyes. for her information I have bright blue eyes, and her daughter has blue/green/gray eyes. the dress is blue. If anything my eyes go better with the dress.

If i'm honest i'm not really bothered about the dresses being the same colour. i'm bothered about the way she's reacting. But anyways

So today at school i told a couple of my friends so i could get their opinion on it and they all thought it was stupid. Yet i'm quite sure they've told her, or she's turned them against me or something because they've all been quite off with me this afternoon and i have no idea where i am with them. And apparently theres been arrangements for limos and stuff to get us to school for prom that im not included in anymore. FUCKING CHILDISH!! I know i'm being childish by writing this. But i'm actually quite upset that my so called friend is being a huge bitch and just because of dress colour she's disowned me. AHHH!!

I love my dress, and i really don't want to have to take it back and get a new one. I always put looks last, and the one time that I wan't to look pretty i get told that i can't wear something that i feel pretty in.

I hate this. I really do.

On the bright side I had a better day at school.. sort of. I'm still trying to find other parts of my day that were good other than just not crying because of losers. I will find something. And hopfully tomorrow will be better. Things always get better, right?

-Laura
x

16/04/09

2009-04-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

As depressing as it sounds, I've been crying all day.

Partly from everything that happened yesterday, partly from things that I don't wish to write here, and partly because of what I wrote in my blog from the other day.

People often get pissed off when I'm all bleh, I understand this because not everyone wants to know. But sometime...

meh.

-end of blog-

not in the mood

bye.

Dear Readers.

2009-04-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was in Beckie0's blogtv room and someone said that they found her crucifix necklace offensive, they gave no reasonings for this. Being christian myself I don't find it offensive in the slightest and honestly don't see why anyone finds it offensive. A Christian wearing a crucifix necklace is the exact same as a Muslim wearing a head scarf. It is a symbol of religion and isn't meant to be taken offensively. Beckie doesn't wear her crucifix to be "in your face" that she is a Christian, she wears it because it's something she likes to wear to keep Jesus close to her. At least I think that's why, I don't know for certain.

But I stated my opinion and people took offense to it, then started to be really mean to me for stating my opinion and trying to say that it wasn't meant in an offensive way. Can someone please tell me that I wasn't being offensive my simply saying basically what I said in the previous paragraph. I don't really like the topic of religion because for some reason everyone is being very controversial about religion, which I don't understand. Everyone has their believes and people shouldn't be so easily offended by someone elses. I don't get offended when I see a muslim wearing a head scarf, so I don't see why anyone else should be offended by a crucifix necklace.

That's all I'm going to say on the matter. I don't want to offend anyone else.

-Laura

xx

I have got to stop doing this.

2009-04-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

Listen to this as you read:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48U6TRKzMIs

I have friends, a lot of them, some good friends, some, not so good. But none the less, friends. The only problem that I have with my friends is that I can't tell them things.

I also have friends online, again, some good friends. Some, not so good. But none the less, friends. People who care. My online friends seem to be easier to talk to that my "real life" friends. I've said this a lot in my blogs, but I need someone to talk to sometimes. I've recently noticed a trend, I always talk to my online friends. They seem to care a lot more than me "real life" friends.

You may wonder where I'm going with this. Well really, I'm just saying that although I have friends, and people to talk to when I need to talk to someone. I can never manage to tell people EXACTLY what I want to.

If I were to tell people EXACTLY what I want to and to be honest, need to. Then there wouldn't be any need for such depressing blog posts. I seem to have a real issue telling people things. So I'm going to write EVERYTHING that I need to get out here. So if you really want to know exactly what's wrong with me... here it is.

*deep breath*

Okay.

I love my mum, I really do, she's made an amazing job of bringing me up single handedly. But somehow I feel like there's a piece of me missing. And there is. My dad. As much as I tell people that it doesn't bother me and I hate my dad. That's not the case at all. In fact that is quite the opposite. I want to know my dad. I want him to see how i've turned out, the things i've achieved and my plans for the future. I want him to see what he has missed out on over the past 13/14 years. I've achieved so many things growing up, and it would be nice for him to know the things i've achieved. I'd love for him to just turn up at my door and appologise for leaving us, and admitting that he made the wrong choice all those years ago. I'd be kidding myself if I ever thought that it would actually happen. It won't. I know this. But there's still hope.

*deep breath*

Okay well..

I get bullied, always have probably always will. It's gone on for too long. When it started I used to laugh along with it, because everything they said was true. And don't tell me that it wasn't, you don't know what they said or why. It was true. key word: WAS! It got worse with age. I had a medical condition that people bullied me about. When it all started I was about 6 so it wasn't really bulling more like name calling kind of thing but it wasn't bad. It didn't make me unhappy. As we grew up it got worse then stopped all together when people finally understood. But then we moved to high school. People told other people about it for the attention I guess, some people understood that it was a medical thing and was in the past. Others decided that it wasn't in the past and bullied me for it. I got questioned about it by someone when we were in, probably year 8, I told them about it and that it was in the past. They understood, but still to this day bully me for it. I really don't understand why. And I honestly don't understand why the care so much about my past. key word: PAST! I wish they'd just fuck off. It's gone from childish remarks to hurtfulness and now it's just primary school like remarks. Why don't they just give up. Seriously. EURGH!!!!

It feels so good to get this out. haha

I've had it a little bit rough in the past. I've almost been killed twice living in the area I live in. It's not all that bad of an area but there are a few drug addicts and a lot of chavs. When I was about 6 or 7 I was out at the back of my house on the field just playing with one of my friends. Some idiot on a motor bike came along and almost knocked me over. Ever since I've been wary of motor bikes. I don't really like them. Or the mental image of almost been hit by one. haha. That was just the first case of almost being killed living around here. When I was about 9 or 10 me and ironically the same friend as before were outside the flats across the road at my friends cousins house and some drugged up guy came out of his house with an axe in his hand yelling "If you call the fucking police, I'll fucking axe you!" and was walking towards us. So we ran into the house and my friends mum called the police who arrested the guy. If you are on drugs you can fuck off out of my life. That experience has made me hate anyone on illegal drugs. Stupid people. Scared for life with that mental image as well. There's also what happened when I was 11 which I have mentioned in previous blogs. I won't mention it again. But that also has scared me for life. I hate it.

I'm also stressed about exams. But that'll pass.

And wow I feel good after writing this. lol.

-Laura

x

eurgh

2009-04-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

2nd post today. w.e

I'm seriously losing it. I've lost my release now that practical lessons in GCSE dance are over. So I have no release for anything at the moment.

I'm so stressed and annoyed and to be perfectly honest, depressed that I'm literally pulling my hair out. I'm honestly not sure if I' using that as a release or just because I need to hurt someone, so I'm hurting myself. To be honest I think it's a mixture of both. meh.

My god I can't take all this anymore. I can't wait untill I leave my school. I HATE my school. I know alot of people complain about their schools but seriously. I can't stand the people there anymore.

yeah.. I don't want to write anymore...

-Laura

THIS IS KILLING ME!!!! AHHH

2009-04-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

Right, so, I've decided that since I am the only person to put effort into some of my friendships i've decided to let people come to me instead of me always going to them. IT IS KILLING ME! Certain people I haven't said anything to in over a week simply because i'm sick of being the only person putting effort in. AHHHH. I'm not sure if they've even noticed to be perfectly honest. I know alot of people don't care, but some people it's just like AHHHHH.

I'm the sort of person who will talk to anyone and can make friends rather easily, I'm shy aswell but people don't notice because I'll start a conversation with someone completely random. Obviously I don't do this in public... often. But I do make an effort to make friends with people. But no one really ever seems to put the same effort in. Sometimes I feel bad when I do put effort in but not noticeably. I mean if I noticed that someone had stopped talking to me for a while, I'd start a conversation and catch up with the person because, believe it or not, I do care about what's going on in other peoples lives, and I like to see people happy. I hate it when people are upset and things, so usually, if someone tells me they feel like shit i'll try and make them feel better, although I don't force this upon them, I just try to make people feel better because I dislike it when people around me are unhappy.

I guess really, I just seriously needed to get it out that i'm sick of a one sided friendship with some people. And that I'm not ignoring people, I just don't like it that I'm the only one that puts any effort what so ever into a friendship.

=]

-Laura xx

What has happened to me?!

2009-04-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

For some reason I've found myself in the position that I'm just generally feeling depressed. I don't exactly know why, to be honest it could be a huge list of things. I think ever since people have started getting annoyed when I've expressed any emotion that I've just given up. I never show emotion IRL, seriously, if you have ever met me or in the future will meet me, you'll have notice/ you will notice that I just act normal, I don't look like I'm upset and i don't look like I'm worried about things. I've become too good at pretending I'm fine and having people believe it.

It's actually easier to fool IRL people that I'm fine than online people. I think people online have sussed out the kind of things I type when I'm not exactly the happiest of people. Although alot of the time even if I'm feeling like utter shit i'll still reply "I'm pretty good" leading people to believe that I'm fine even when I'm not.

I really miss how I used to be able to just tell people what was wrong. I think it's ever since people started getting annoyed at me showing emotion I just stopped. I mean right now I'm not feeling too bad but sometimes I get to the point where I just need a hug but because I'm acting fine, no one knows that. I can't cry infront of people anymore which I suppose is somewhat a good thing, but also bad, because I often find myself only crying when there's something really sad on the TV, which seems to be quite often. =S

I don't link anyone to here anymore either, well that's a lie, I do occasionally, but haven't really recently. I think I've gotten to the point where the only time I tell anyone anything is when I'm writing a blog. I don't like that this is the only time I really tell anyone anything. Although most of what I have typed here I have pretty much just told someone.

I'm thinking about going to see a psychiatrist again because even though they are utterly crap, I need someone to talk to who I know wont tell anyone what I've said. I know that half the people I know wouldn't tell anyone what I've said unless I wanted them to, but I just don't trust people. I don't want to get hurt again.

I feel like I'm bipolar or something seriously. My mood swings recently have just been like, whayy I'm happy, fuck you I'm feeling like shit, yey for happyness, I hate my life, WOOOOO, Bleh. Seriously, thats what I've been like all day!!! AHHHHHH

Rant/depressingness/w.e over.

-Laura

xx

Remember me?

2009-04-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've met alot of people online over the past few years, some who I've become close to, some who have come in and out of my life as people do.

A few days ago I saw a friend online who I hadn't seen in a while, so I thought i'd say hi, they had no idea who i was and even after explaining who i was they had no idea. I was slightly downhearted at this but didn't let it get me down. I've since then tried talking to other people who i have not spoken to in a while, none of them remembered me.

It kind of hurts, I hate how people don't remember me. I don't make a big enough impact on people for them to know who i am. It's horrible, i'd like for someone to remember who I am. I'd like to be able to make an impact on someones life. Not only so they would remember me, but also because I love the feeling you get when you help someone.

I was talking to a friend about this earlier, they said that they wouldn't forget me. Kind of makes me happy to know that someone wouldn't forget me.

I have a huge grin on my face =]

2009-04-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

I've just been thinking, well more reminiscing than thinking, and I have to say when I leave my school, I am going to miss it. I mean don't get me wrong, I do hate the pace with a passion, but I've had alot of laughs there aswell.

I was just thinking about GCSE dance as i was revising for my dance exam, and I've got to say that one of my fondest memories of GCSE dance would be having a tap dance off with my teacher. Although saying that, there has been alot of good times in dance over the past 2 years. I'm going to miss dance next year.

-Laura

xx

Online vs IRL

2009-04-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Vertiy's gathering down in Peterborough. It was alright I guess.

I've noticed this before, but never really payed attention to it, but I guess being somewhere that I'm not familiar with kind of made me more weary of it.

My point is that when IRL and online friends are both in the same place at the same time, people tend to choses IRL over online. I mean fair enough IRL comes first and stuff, but when you've travelled 1 and a half hours on a train to go see an online friend and they spend the whole day with their IRL friends it's kind of annoying. I don't mean to sound rude or anything, or self obsessed for that matter, but it's rather frustrating when you end up hanging around with people you don't even know the name of for a whole day instead of the person you originally went to see.

I'm not sure how I personally would handle the situation of my IRL and online friends meeting. But knowing my friends it would be awkward. Although saying that my friends would probably end up being more friends with my online friends than me by the end of it all.

Also, when you see friends in town and your with a friend who doesn't know them it's a bit like the whole online friends and IRL friends thing, but not as bad really for some reason. It doesn't seem as awkward. Although usually it's not for as long a time period, you know the place you are in just incase you need to make a dash for it, and you can avoid eye contact. lol

I suppose all this just proves my theory right. But I'm not going to tell you my theory as it might offend people. Cos this who blog wouldn't offend anyone?! HAHA I really don't care anymore.

-Laura
x

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I'm fine.

2009-04-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

The title is a lyric to a song called "A Few Small Bruises" by Maria Mena. I think its about falling down and then getting back up and carrying on. Or something like that. =] I like the lyric. Anyways on with the blog:

Well, really all I have to say is that I have no idea at all anymore where to put my inner thoughts. I write blogs, people read them and then decide they know me and think that I'm a depressing, immature, pessimistic person. I try telling people things, I worry that they don't care and just think I'm making a big thing of nothing or something, I use my twitter to get small amounts out just to stop me going insane, I get people thinking I'm over dramatising things and acting all emo and drama queen like. So I don't know where to go anymore!!! It's quite frustrating.

Most people have someone to go to when they need to talk or need to get something out. Usually this person being someone that they are close to. I seem to have a problem with finding someone that I trust completely. I mean I did have someone to go to, but things seem to be different now. Probably because we grew apart. I also used to have someone else I could go to, but I really don't know what changed there. I have no idea at all. I suppose I got too close to them or something. This is the reason why I try not to get close to people because I don't want to tell someone who I am close to something for them to stab me in the back after. Which is why I don't mind telling people that I'm not so close to things as if they stab you in the back it doesn't hurt as much.

Oh I don't know. I'm confused. Although getting this out here has cleared a part of my mind which is nice. =]

I think I'm going to stop linking this on my twitter and make it more of a diary. People can still read it. They just know what they are letting themselves in for. =] (except for in this case haha)

And a side note. Not everything I post will be depressing or anything. =] Just when I need to vent. Chances are I'll vent on here. =]

-Laura

xx

Emotions doing a 360?

2009-04-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

It was about this time last year when I started feeling really down. This might sound really over dramatic and emo like but I don't care. And I'm not linking this on twitter or anywhere else because this is going to be seem really over dramatic and stuff.

I think it has alot to do with what i've mentioned in previous blogs why around this time of year i've felt down alot. Exams could be part of the reason, but I think it's more about what happened in one month 5 days about 5 years ago. I've blogged about it before so you might be able to figure it out. But having someone come to your house and accuse you of doing things that you would never dream of doing, it really does scar you for a long time. You'd think by now I would have gotten over it, and knowing that it didn't come up on my CRB should have helped, but thats really not the point, at all. And to be perfectly honest it's not that at all that's got me feeling down. I mean that's part of the reason. But not the main one.

Really is about something which happened last year. In a month minus 5 days it'll be a year since I did something rather stupid, not going to say what because... I don't want to, my blog I'll write what I want to write. haha. I really shouldn't have done it but anyways, I've kind of done it again but not really. It was an accident, but still.. Tempting to start all over again. But wont.

Oh and another point which i'd like to point out is the fact that I know I complain about my mum alot. But she's really taken it too far this time. she's always gone on about how me and her come as a package and any guy worth anything will accept it and stuff. Thing is her latest wants her and doesn't give 2 shits about me. my mum wonders why I never go anywhere with them. I don't because it would just be awkward. I never see my mum anymore. She's always with him. Even on mothers day she spent the day with him. The only day of the fucking year that I want to be with my mum, he takes her away from me. w.e

Oh I cba writing this.

Bye.

Skype blog..

2009-03-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. opinions change. Also this time I'm going to put a couple of people who I have on MSN but not skype into this. =]

1) I haven't known you for very long, but you're cool. We've only ever really talked once, but it was a nice conversation =]

2) I never talk to you, we should talk more, you're cool.

3) Not known you long, infact I didn't know I had you on skype. I've only really talked to you a couple of times, but you're cool. =]

4) You make me smile often. And you have an eye colour fetish XD

5) You were the first person I talked to after having my teeth out, it was lovely. I don't talk to you often enough.

6) You make me laugh. =] =[ =] =[ =] =[ =] =[ ...that reminds me of you so much. haha

7) I seem to tell you a lot.. You're very easy to talk to. I hope you know that I'm always here for you aswell. =]

8) In my last skype blog I said that I didn't really like you, opinions change, You're pretty cool =]

9) I still miss you <3 It's been over a year now.

10) You are probably one of the most hilarious people I know. You make me laugh all the time. =]

11) I don't know where I am with you at the moment. You blocked me on skype for something that I didn't even do. WTF?! Tbh, I'm not sure if I even want to know you anymore. Talk to me and sort this all out?

12) Again, I don't know where I am with you alot of the time. We should talk sometime. =]

13) We rarely talk. I miss the times where we did talk regularly. I've known you the longest that i've known anyone on youtube minus a couple of people. =] We should talk sometime. =]

14) In the past 24 hours you have declared your love to me 3 times. haha. ily dude.

15) I have no idea where I stand with you. Could I have a hint please?

16) WHERE ARE YOU?! I haven't seen you online in ages. We need to catch up sometime. =]

17) You used to like me. I sorta liked you aswell. but then you spoilt it by annoying the hell outta me. Now I miss you talking to me. See you at trampolining on tuesday? or wednesday?

18) I've only recently started talking to you. You are awesome. =]

19) You made me realise something the other day. Thank you. You are awesome. Also you kept me entertained whilst doing my food tech coursework after school the other day. haha thanks. =]

20) I miss you. Can't wait till I can see you again in a couple of weeks =] ily

21) Basically.. ily <3

22) I've know you for a long time. And I'm pretty glad I met you. I can tell you pretty much everything =] Thanks for being there. =]

23) Not seen you for too long now. Can't wait till I see you again =]

So thats about it. =]

FOOD!

2009-03-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

So as I'm sure you've all gathered, after being told that all I do is eat I started having issues with food. Yeah, I'm now having HUGE junk food cravings. Therefore fuck anyone who decides to talk about what I eat.

Although "All you ever do is eat" is still playing on my mind. If I don't seem like I'm eating.. or if I'm complaining of headaches. FORCE me to eat.

Rough past 2 days for me.

Life's good. =]

-Laura
xx

sigh

2009-03-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

"All you do is eat"

Those words keep playing over in my mind. I hate it.

This morning I went to ASDA to get some junk. I actually felt physically sick looking at sweets and crisps and chocolate. I bought: An apple, bag of lollipops, pringles and a creme egg. I ate the apple and ended up giving the rest away. I really can't eat junk now. I hate the way that just because someone said that all I do is eat, I just don't want to eat.

I've been working at a healthy heart stall at school today at the year 9 health fair. Next to the healthy heart stall was the healthy eating stall, so all day I've been munching on carrot, apple, strawberries and oranges. That's seriously all i've eaten today which is annoying but good at the same time. I've decided that I want to start eating more healthily. I actually decided that a while ago but never really did anything about it.

Tonight I'm going to my grandparent for tea so I'll have something healthy there.

Also. Today at lunch when I was eating an apple one of my friends pointed out that she's never seen me eat fruit before in the 12 years she's known me, which isn't true, but anyway. That just made me feel worse. Why do people comment on what other people eat. It should be none of their business. So now I'm left in a position where I think I eat too much and don't eat healthily at all. So I suppose I'm going to cut down on food and eat more fruit and stuff.

Why can't people mind their own business.

-Laura

x

Just an observation really...

2009-03-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today in Maths someone who I sit near said to me that all I do is eat. Now to them this would have been an innocent comment, but for some reason it's made me really self conscious. I'm not really the sort of person to get self conscious about what I eat, but for the rest of the day whenever I've eaten I've just felt like crap.

It's so weird how what people say can really affect you. That innocent statement made me feel like I eat too much. Which in all fairness I do eat alot and I should really cut down on the junk, but I'm quite skinny, atleast I think I am, so why should I have to cut down on food. Yet even though I know this, I still want to cut down because of what someone else said.

Why do we care so much about what other people say?

-Laura

x

Roller-coaster of emotions.

2009-03-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hey dudes,

Skip to the end if you get bored of reading depressingness. It's happy at the end. =]

I'm going to talk about today and a bit of yesterday in this blog as I think there are some issues that need resolving and some things I need to get into the open.

I'm not one of the most liked people, at school, on the internet, most places to be perfectly honest. But I try my best to fit in with the people who don't dislike me. The thing is though, when people who ~~dislike~~, no in this case it really is hate, hate me torture me it really does get me down. This is a real life case, not online, online people are a lot nicer when it comes to disliking. Here is the situation:

English lesson, picture this:
I'm sat with some of my friends where a guy who actually hates me usually sits, but since he wasn't there at the time I stole his place. When he comes in he was like, thats my place so I was like, not anymore it's not. Fair enough I was a bit mean, but I'm not half as bad as he is, he actually will do anything to make me upset. Anyways back to the story, he then was like fine and sat with Danny, another person who dislikes me, then josh came in looking confused, so because the tables can separate because these were exam desks , she he moved one of the desks so he didn't have to sit near me, yeah Josh doesn't like me either, see what I mean about not being liked? Anyway, so that was that, then about 5 minutes later Tom ( the first guy i mentioned) Danny and Josh decided to throw stuff at me. Eventually they got bored of that and decided to start a rumour that me and Bobby (A guy in my year) were going out, this was bullshit, they attempted to spread it around the class (didn't get very far) Steven, another person who dislikes me, then asked me cos' he didn't believe it, I said wtf? no that's bullshit, and then to clarify this he asked Bobby who pretty much said the same thing as I did. Then I had Tom, Danny and Josh throwing junk at me again as they thought it was funny. -End lesson-

Maths lesson:
Joanna was sat in my place (for the record she doesn't dislike me haha) so I sat down behind Shiv and Cassie (who also don't dislike me lol) where Luke and Nathan usually sit (they dislike me aswell). Turned out that Nathan wasn't there so I was alright sat there, but then Luke walked in and started complaining cos' I was in his place, fair enough I guess, some of the stuff he said wasn't nice though, Mikey then walked in (he hates me and actually tries to make my life hell) and didn't sit where he usually does, so I thought seeing as he isn't sat there I will, so I moved. Tom then decided to tell Mikey and Ben and all the other people he was sat with that I went out with Bobby, then Ben asked me if it was true, so I was like no that's bullshit. Tom then yelled across the classroom that I was lying so I kicked off cos' I was starting to get annoyed and was like it's not true so stop bullshitting, so he was like yes it is true Bobby said he asked you on MSN and you said yes, so I was like I don't even have Bobby on MSN so you can stop bullshitting, then Jess (who never really talks to me) butted in and yelled at Tom for being an arse, then Katie asked if it was true so I told her that they were bullshitting, Cassie then asked me what was going on so I told her that they were trying to start a rumour about me and they chose that. I buy this point I was in tears from anger and snapped my pen in half. Yeah don't get on my bad side.

So that was that. I was probably the most angry and annoyed and upset as I've ever been during school at that point.

Wow I feel better now that is out.

Moving on. Last night I was in a conversation with Amy and Emma, and we were talking about our failing collab channel, (tbh I never wanted to be in it) but then Amy said that there was no point in Emma being in the channel if she isn't making videos, so Emma got offended, took it out on me, now she's blocked me on skype. End of situation really, but I honestly think that she over reacted, and yes I do know that she could read this. I don't care, there's nothing in here that I wouldn't say to her face, there's nothing offensive to her is this blog haha.

Moving on again.

Happier note:

My CRB thing came back today, I'm clear, which means that I can do the course I want to do, stop councelling and stop having major panic attack. yey life.

Also I do have some amazing friends, even if they don't stick up for me ever, although I can fight my own battles really. haha

I feel so much better after writing this.

=]

-Laura

xx

Fame.

2009-03-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

So recently I've been in fame. Kept hat quiet didn't I, haha. Anyways, I'm not obsessed with it.

All those following me on twitter I apologise for the Fame lyrics spamming that I'm going to be doing haha.

Anyway, I thought I'd update you all on my life. I actually cant believe that its only been a week since I last posted. So much has happened his week.

Moday - School, was feeling abit down but oh wells, went dancing after school, where I found out some upsetting news, but also some good news which is always nice.

Tuesday - School again, felt far better than monday, went on strike in Pe cos the teacher tried telling me what to do. I'll do what I want in a volleyball lesson. I hate volleyball. haha. There was the car from Fame in our dance room so we had some fun with that.

Wednesday - FAME! yeah.. it was Fame wednesday night. It was amazing. But stupid chavs spoil everything. During Someone's solo they started ringing each other. fortunately the person doing their solo didn't get distracted, which is good. The chavs got kicked out. Also school was.. school. Tilly decided to throw a volleyball at me in dodgeball, the game had ended and we were putting the balls back into the centre to start again, she shouldn't have throw it. Either way, my back is all messed up again. Don't you just love chavs.

Thursday - Was at school til like 4:30.. dong stupid food tech c/w. HATE IT!

Friday -FAME! again! haha. yeah, last night was awsome. =]

-Laura

xx

RAWR

2009-03-07T11:06:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm all calm and stuff I though that I would write a blog.

Today I went to town, mainly for a McDonalds, but anyways, whilst I was there I bought, P.S I love you, Music and Lyrics and Just My Luck on DVD. Guess what I'm doing tonight. going out? No. I'm staying in watching films all night. yey. I also bought a red hair band and a red bow. My school have said that on red nose day we can come in none uniform as long as we wear something red. So that's my red. =]

So that was good.

But, always a down side ALWAYS, on my way home I happened to be on the same bus as 3 people who happen to hate me with a passion, I managed to get almost home until they noticed, but the second they noticed they started throwing stuff at me pulling my hair and I'm not sure what else they were doing, they were behind me, I then got angry and moved downstairs where I had a panic attack. I used to have panic attacks when I was younger when I was angry, so apparently they could be back. yey life. =/

That's all I really have to say.

-Laura

xx

Untitled.

2009-02-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

I can't cope. There's so much going on right now, I can't really explain everything but there's far too much going on for me to cope.

I'm behind in food tech so my teacher is nagging at me now to get my practical stuff done which is driving me insane. I'm struggling with English far too much and I actually can't go a full English lesson without falling asleep anymore, my teachers voice just puts me to sleep. My dance choreography is done, but it needs a lot of work and needs some changes to some of it and I also need to do my program note which has to be like a page or something ridiculous like that. I also have to catch up on health and social coursework and finish 3 pieces of coursework also for health and social.

On top of that, I have dancing on a monday which I can't give up because it's one of the only things that keeps me sane, tuesday I have either guides or dancing again (depending on which week it is), wednesday I have either health and social coursework catch-up or trampolining, depending on my mood, thursday either food tech catch-up or relax depending on how stressed i am, and friday I either go out drinking, go to rangers or stay in and relax, again depending on my mood and how stressed I'm feeling. And my weekends are filled up with coursework and revision.

So as you can tell, I'm a very busy person. Which explains my moods, lack of videos and just generally how I am at the moment.

Thursday I have to go down to college for my CRB which if that goes good then it'll be a weight off my shoulders, if not, then I shall be, well.. awful.

Also, I turn 16 in may which for most people would be good, but 16 is going to either make or break me and it's all because of my mum. Which I know sounds mean, but if she hadn't have told me what she did then it wouldn't bother me. I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but I'm not going to write it.

So much going on right now. I know I complain a lot but this has just got to me so much. I just need a break from it all, or like stop doing all school work and just do one piece of coursework then another etc. just so I can get on top of everything again.

Sorry for being depressing.

-Laura

xx

STRESSED!

2009-02-26T12:32:00.000-08:00

So everyone seems either ill or stressed out at the moment. This time of the year everyone has exams and start getting worked up about things.

So the only things I'm really stressed about are English and food tech. I can't cope with it all. My food tech teacher is basically yelling at me because I'm behind. Tomorrow she is going to kill me, I'm supposed to be catching up tomorrow, but I have to go get my bandage changed during her lesson, and then at lunch I have a peer support meeting so I'm dreading tomorrows lesson. And English, well, where do I start. My original teacher left at christmas and now this teacher we have is driving me insane, she either puts me to sleep or annoys the hell out of me. I'm going to fail English.. I've already failed it twice. I just can't do english how they want me to. I can write for england if it's something that I can write about, but when I'm told what to write about and what I write depicts my grade and if i get into college or not, then I start to panic, stress and then eventually my brain switches off.

ugh. so much stress, this blog really doesn't show it though.

-Laura

x

I have weird dreams.

2009-02-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

So last night I had a rather strange dream, so I thought that I would write it down.

I basically dreamt that I was in a dance lesson at an ice rink.. the rink was outside like in a field somewhere, and when I came off the rink there was like a reflection of the sky and the houses and things in the sky. There was also some random putting christmas tree decorations on a tree outside my house. And then I randomly ended up walking to to Shaun's car (he can't drive) and went to pick my mum up from work or something.

I think it's safe to say, I have abnormal dreams.

-Laura

xx

yeah,

2009-02-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Life's good.

EURGH!!!

2009-02-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

Everyone has something about themselves which they dislike. Some people it's legs, others nose etc. Well for me it's teeth. I HATE my teeth. I never used to mind them. In fact I liked them. I've never had a filling or anything, I look after my teeth alot. But as I'm sure everyone knows, I had to have teeth out cos they were baby teeth. And because of still having baby teeth the adult teeth underneath my baby teeth moved forward sort of, basically they moved to try and grow down. So now that I have barely any teeth in my mouth it's driving me insane! I HATE it. I really hate it. I can't eat much cos it hurts so much. Some of the teeth that I still have feel like they could just fall out cos there's nothing there to keep them in place. Seriously, the roots of some of my teeth are now showing almost. If I ate a nut or something like that I'm almost certain that at least one of my teeth would fall out.

I'm not really the sort of person who complains about pain, so when I do you know its bad. Well my mouth fucking hurts and I cant take it anymore!!! I want my teeth back. Or at least for my teeth to grow properly. I can feel some of my teeth coming though in the roof of my mouth. I wish they were in the right place. It hurts!!

I'm sorry for all the complaining. I really am. I wouldn't be complaining but I really can't take it anymore. I'm in pain and I can't eat alot of the stuff I like. Although I can talk normally now which is good.

I've pulled out all my stitches because they kept catching on food and it hurt, I probable shouldn't have pulled them out but oh well.

Sorry about that. Had to get it out. It's driving me INSANE!!

-Laura
xx

The sad truth..

2009-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

I actually don't have any IRL friends anymore. Well I do have IRL friends, but they are lacking muchly. People complain about their friends, fair enough, but when I found out that actually none of my friends even like me.. that hurt.

So today, I've spent the whole day with some other friends I have, who have been my friends, well, for as long as i can remember some of them. I was pretty stupid to stop hanging round with my true friends in year 7.. but I suppose it has been for the better, I mean they got into smoking and stuffs at one point, but now they are over that it's all good.

Today has been one of those days really, the sort where I just want to get sucked into my computer screen and just have my internet life, but that would be a bit silly to ignore real life for online life.

He was right, and I knew he was right, I just refused to believe it. And I think that I might be making a big mistake ignoring the people I've been hanging round with since year 7. One of them wanted to know why I was ignoring them. But saying that, I'm sure anyone will agree that a friend who only talks to you when no one else is around isn't really a friend worth having.

This sucks. I wish people would just tell me that they don't like me, it would make my life so much easier than having to take hints all the time.

At the moment I think I defiantly think my online friends are so much better friends than me IRL friends, at least my online friends actually talk to me.

To change the subject, I got a call from the college I applied to today, they want to do my CRB (police check) early just to make sure that what I mentioned in my previous blog isn't on my records. If it is, well.. I'm screwed. But I have a back up. If it is on there, I'll re-apply for psychology, sociology, Photography and Film studies. Or something like that. Maybe just so Photography course or a Media course. I'll think about it more if it does come up.

Yeah, as you can tell I'm not having the nicest of times at the moment. But I guess it could be worse. Although I do have the worst headache in history at the moment. But it'll go.

Sorry about all the moaning. I'll stop complaining and stuff now.

=]

-Laura
xx

2009-02-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Gob hurts like hell.

Moving on.

So since I last posted a proper blog, nothing has happened. Seriously. I haven't left the house since thursday. I'm dreading school tomorrow. Leaving the house for the first time since thursday and going to school. Doesn't sound fun to me.

I also have a huge bruise on the back of my hand from the thing they put in my hand at the hospital. The liars told me it wouldn't bruise. Clearly it has.

I'm debating making a vlog tomorrow. I'm not sure I should cos' I'm not sure if anyone would understand it. Although saying that, I have a college interview on tuesday, so I need to be able to talk like a normal human being for that preferably. "/

I didn't want to complain too much in this cos' it's all i've done on twitter.. buuuttt.. All I can feel in my mouth are stitches. They hurt like hell and they're everywhere. Also there are bits of them that are like loose thread? "/

I seem to be using this "/ face alot at the moment. Not too sure why.

Today I found an Edward Cullen poster, yeah, it's currently stuck on my wall. I'm so cool.

Thats all I can be bothered saying.

-Laura

x

..I gained a lisp..

2009-02-05T04:37:00.000-08:00

..well not really.. I have no teeth.. OK well. I have some.

I've just got back from the hospital and I'm all numb. The last thing I remember before being put to sleep was crying cos' I was scared. lol.

I'm in pain and no one is around. =[

I actually think this numbness is spreading.. =S that can't be good.

Oh wow. I'm gaining feeling in my face again yey.

My mouth is currently bleeding loads, it's not nice. I'm gonna sleep now.

x

:)

2009-02-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

There's snow outside.

But moving on. I'm in an unusually good mood. I have no idea why I'm in a good mood, so I'm not going to question it.

I think I'm getting a cold, which if I am needs to fuck off, cos I have an op on thursday and cant be ill for it.

Today is a snow day, and I'm going to make a generic snow day video, but not upload it for a while. I'm sick of seeing snow videos, so I'm sure other people are also. So I won't put people through the torture of watching mine. Although I'm thinking of making a music video kind of thing instead of the whole freeplay music creative snow video. Although it would just be the same as if it was the generic kind of snow video. =\

Moving on.

To be honest not a lot has happened recently. I was gutted to find that I'm only 5ft2" but I think I've grown since.

There's nothing else really to say.. erm.. there's a car outside my house struggling to drive. there's too much snow. it's skidding.

-Laura

xx

Life's like a roller coaster, it has it's ups and downs..

2009-01-29T15:31:00.001-08:00

..'tis true.

And guess what people who read my blog. This one is an up. =]

So my last few blogs have been a bit depressing to say the least. My life seems to be getting better though. And fingers crossed that no one else that I know dies for a while. Too many people I know have died in the past couple of years.

New year, new leaf turning business. My new years resolutions seem to be going well still, which is good. =]

I really don't have alot to say. Other than I have my op on thursday. I'm terrified but it'll be better in the long run.

Short blog.

-Laura

xx

I have to get this out of my system...

2009-01-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

R.I.P Jill.

Jill was my brown owl when I was in brownies. Since then I have always known her, she was lovely. I had many conversations with her and she always had a smile on her face. Even though I didn't know her very well.. she was always close to me. I'm crying as I write this because well she was a great person. She had just retired at the age of 60 with her husband and was really excited about it and everything. You might be wondering why I'm so upset about a 60 year old who was my brown owl at brownies dying. I'm upset because I've known her since I was about 8 or 9 and she always had a smile on her face and could always make me smile. I really don't think this makes sense very much. But she meant alot to me.

This sunday is church parade. I am going to go. I don't usually really go to church parade although I should but this time I will as I'm sure the vicar will mention it as he did when a scouts leader passed away a few years ago. Her funeral is on monday, I'm not sure if I'm going to go, I don't know if I could cope. I know what I'm like. Although I find it very hard to cry infront of people. At a funeral I don't think I'd be able to hold back the tears.

One of the brownies drew a picture of her tonight. That kid loved Jill. I think everyone did. But some of the guides who didn't know Jill weren't very respectful at all as they didn't have a clue who she was, which I sort of understand, but still.

Ok now thats out I feel a bit better.

R.I.P Jill. <3

-Laura

xx

27/01/09

2009-01-27T11:01:00.000-08:00

Dear diary, mood apathetic, my life is spiraling downwards. Oh so emo. =|

Anyways. So today I pulled out of the trampolining competition that I was supposed to be competing in. I'm completely gutted about it. But I had to pull out... for reasons which I'm not going to list here. Also I've pretty much eaten my body weight in fat, sugar and calories today. ugh. I don't care anymore though.

I actually can't write what I want to write here. Which is like, bleh. I need to get things out.. but can't. I have no one I can tell things to. And I'm not going to link anyone to this post. Ever get the feeling that you just want to run away from it all.. but can't? If it wasn't cold and dark outside right now I'd just get up and run.. I don't know where, just anywhere. I seem to have alot of built up anger and other emotions which I can't really explain which has just made my head be a very messed up place. I need to clear my thoughts.

Yeah.. Thats all I'm going to say for now.

-Laura

x

The "elite" group

2009-01-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

So there's a lot of people talking about this 'Elite' group. I have a very complex opinion about the whole thing. I mean sure they're just a group of friends, who some of which I am friends with. But I do think that some of them are a bit.. well.. mean. I mean obviously not everyone can like everyone. So don't get me wrong here. But I do also think that people take the whole thing too far. Sure they might not like you and they probably have a good reason to. If you're really that bothered. ASK ffs. I'm sure if you asked then they'd tell you why they don't like you or tell you that they don't, it might have all just been interpreted wrong. Although I have to say some of the people in the so called 'Elite' group I really do dislike, but as far as i know, they dislike me too. So it's all good in the hood. Even though one of them does take it too far, but I'm not going to be a bitch about it. Life goes on.

But anyways, people should just stop causing drama by going on about this group of friends. Leave them alone!

heehee. Told you my opinion was complex.

Sorry if anyone was offended by that aswell. =S

-Laura

xx

Hi..

2009-01-22T12:26:00.001-08:00

So anyone following me on twitter will already know this.. but recently I haven't been the happiest of people. I wont go into too much detail why as i don't want to bore or depress you.

It's all partly to do with my last blog, but not really, as well as a ton of other stuff. I really don't know how to explain this, at all. But I really should. I'll put it this way:

As well as having a load of things on my mind such as exams and my previous post and other things on my mind this happens:

People don't like me. And this time I'm only talking about IRL people. Online people are lovely. But there are certain people who just hate me. I don't entirely know why. But anyways, they all show it alot, and I know it's just their opinion but do they have to be so forward about it. I mean there are alot of people that I don't particularly like, but I don't go being a bitch about it. {I don't like writing this, but anyways} So today.. I was pushed to the edge. I seriously could not take it anymore. I was stood outside maths, as you do before a maths lesson, and Mikey decided to be an arse, he decided to tell me I don't have any friends and that I'm this that and the other.. I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.. punched him then kicked him then ran off. Went back a few minutes later acting as if nothing had happened went into maths cos my maths teacher finally turned up and did my maths lesson. Didn't talk to anyone all maths lesson, or lunch, or in ICT.. I couldn't, I was too angry and annoyed and a bit upset if I'm honest. After school I went to food tech to do some c/w and clear my mind. I have to be honest and say that it did help. I got home watched some people on blogtv had some lovely conversations with people who I <3.

=]

-Laura

xx

Don't want to do this. Don't want to do this...

2009-01-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

Really don't want to do this..

Have to do this.

I'm not going to go into detail about this as I don't know who will read this. But basically. A few years ago.. 3 days before I turned 12 actually.. something happened.. something that made me the person I am today. An event I will never forget. It haunts me.

Lies. It was all lies. But it went too far. I ended up in care, court all sorts. Because of a LIE A STUPID CHILD AND HER FAMILY MADE UP!! It RUINED my LIFE! This might sound over dramatic. But seriously, it was terrible! All the crying. All the statements I had to write. Its all over now, and has been for a long time. But it haunts me. And there's not a day goes by that I don't think about it. The day the letter came I was confused, I didn't really understand. A couple of days later, she came, Camilla Frog. The name haunts me. She told me what had been said and that I was going to have to write down what happened on the date in question. I did this and wrote the truth.

A few weeks later another letter came. They wanted to question me, in court. I went to court a few weeks later. I had never been so scared in my entire life! Soon after that. The whole thing got dropped. They had all the information that they needed and me and a friend were free again. Everything was dropped. That family is now ignored by the people on this street after what they did. I got to come back home to my mum. Everything started getting back to normal. But the people on this street aren't even nearly as close as we used to be. I miss it. I miss always being around my friends house. But I suppose we grow up and people change.

I wish I could say what it was all about.. it would be a weight off my shoulders. But I can't. It's awful. But I feel happier for getting that out. =]

-Laura

I'm defying gravity..

2009-01-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

and you can't pull me down!

Yeah you heard the small person!

I'm on a high from the gathering today. My god I had an amazing time. I met some amazing people and got to see some amazing people again. ahhh.. I fucking love you all!!!

Can't. Form. Sentences!

ahh.

haha

-Laura

on the edge.

2009-01-16T09:19:00.001-08:00

I really don't want to be making this but I really swear if I don't I will have a breakdown.

My new years resolution was to be more positive, so far it's going well, but, I the more positively I think the more.. well.. the more I stop getting things out and telling people things.

There are things that happened in my past which I have been trying to forget for a very long time which just as they are finally in the past get brought up by some idiot, who themselves should forget it. Its the fucking past. I DONT WANT MY PAST BRINGING UP!! kthnx

Thats all I'm going to say on this.

On the bright side sheffield tomorrow =]

erm so..

2009-01-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

wont be around on the 5th feb - 7th feb. going to be in hospital. =[

Skype contacts Blog..

2009-01-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

In which.. you find out how much I hate you all. =]

This consists of almost everyone on my skype contacts. So you are most likely on here.

1) I don't actually know you, but we've talked once. It was a nice conversation. =]

2) Well.. I beat you at blockles 3 times just so you would give me mod. XD

3) I don't really talk to you, but I think we're friends. I talk to you on Blogtv mainly. We met on stickam though.

4) I don't know what to say about you other than that we're pretty good friends. =]

5) I love your hair. =] And I enjoy talking to you.

6) I actually had no idea who you were until the last gathering I went to. But I think we're pretty good friends.

7) I never talk to you. I don't really know you that well.

8) You are probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. come to a gathering sometime?

9) I don't really know you. But you seem nice. I'll talk to you sometime.

10) I don't know you but i've talked to you a few times. you seem nice. =]

11) you're a good friend to me. I don't really talk to you much though. I might change this in the future. We met on stickam a while ago.

12) You make me laugh, ALOT, even when I'm already having a giggling fit. You are probably one of the nicest people i've met online. I don't really talk to you often. I'm changing this.

13) You bring me back into reality. ALOT. Thank you.

14) You are also probably one of the nicest people I have ever met online. We share a common interest. =]

15) You left youtube. =[

16) You're one of the first people I met on youtube.. through stickam though. I enjoyed meeting you at nerifest. =]

17) Don't know you.

18) I secretly don't like you, but I talk to you anyway when there's no one else online.

19) Not talked to you in ages. You're ignoring me. Bye.

20) I miss you.

21) I don't know what to say about you. I don't really talk to you. But you're nice.

22) You are the reason why I know so many youtubers. Thank you.

23) You annoy me sometimes. and sometimes you don't. I don't understand you.

24) You make me smile.

25) I rarely talk to you now.

26) I thought we were friends. But you pretty much always ignore me now.

27) I think fame went to your head. You used to like me. Now you don't even notice me.

28) You make me laugh so much! and I LOVE your accent.

29) You're always nice to me. But I think you're nice to everyone. =]

30) I used to no like you before I knew you, and you know about this. We are now great friends and I can tell you everything. Thank you. =]

31) You're always nice to me. But I reckon you drink too much. XD

32) You blocked/deleted me on skype. And I think you blocked me on Youtube. I don't know why. I don't understand. Have a nice life though.

33) You blocked/deleted me too. Oh well.. never talked to you anyway.

34) You blocked/deleted me too. I don't know why. But okay. You're not a nice person.

So yeah.. thats how well I know my skype contacts.. and how often I talk to them.. haha.

I wish I hadn't have done this. lol

Laura is smiling =]

2009-01-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

This was going to be the whole Skype contacts thing. But it's not. I might do that another day. =]

So anyway.

Over the past 2 years I haven't really fully been myself. I mean I've physically been me, but the way my mind works and the way I look at life has been totally messed up. I've had things on my mind that I should just forget as it's not worth me worrying about. There's been events that have happened which have left me feeling rather down. I have ALWAYS been over dramatic about things, I get it from my Mum, but during last year mainly it started to be shown more, which is probably why certain people aren't too fond of me. But I wont go into that as I don't really care anymore.

So, so far this year I have been positive about things and not let unimportant things get to me. I'm not too sure how long this is going to last but hopefully by the end of the year I'm still thinking positively and all that jazz.

Basically the point in all this is simply because I thought I'd let you all know. I'm back to my old self. Which means, less complaining and more positivity. So yeah.

I'm happy with life.

-Laura

why do you have to make things so complicated.

2009-01-03T05:04:00.000-08:00

The title has nothing to do with this blog. haha. I'm listening to that song.. if you know what song it is. haha

So it's a new year. 2009. yey. This year I'm on an aim to improve my self confidence. Which is why I've chosen the new years resolutions that I have.

You see, I have this theory. Confidence has a lot to do with your self - esteem and self - worth, this I have learnt mainly from health and social.

Any way. My theory is this.

If you think positively about things than you feel more confident about doing it, but then you get the people who don't agree with what you are doing or just in general hate you and don't hide it, so this is part 2 of my theory, ignoring the people who are just complete arses. You build up this confidence by being positive then when someone makes you doubt yourself you lose all the confidence that you have built up, therefore if you ignore the people who are total twats but listen to the people who give you advise then that should help your confidence as you believe in yourself and don't care what anyone thinks. Up to a point anyway. Some people might be just bringing you back into reality when you start getting over confident. lol. Also I think that being happy helps a lot. But I think being happy has a lot to do with your self confidence as if you aren't confident you tend to feel a bit unhappy because you don't believe in yourself which could be a big downfall.

So this year for me is simply to get back on track and stop letting things get me down. Also to become more mature, which I think through confidence building should happen. =]

This is probably my most positive blog ever. lol

I like this year so far.

New Years Resolutions..

2009-01-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

Simply so I don't forget..

1) Be more positive about EVERYTHING.

2) Forget about the losers of this world.

3) Be happy!

4) Work harder at school!

5) Tidy my room and keep it tidy for at least a week!

I have 2 others as well.. but they're more a working progress. (y)

Happy New Year.

LAST BLOG OF 08

2008-12-30T16:39:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is my last blog post of '08 and hopefully my last depressing-ish blog ever.

Really mixed emotions right now. Just been thinking about 2009 and he events that are going to happen in 2009. Having teeth out and all that jazz. Possibly getting my ankles broken. turning 16. Doing GCSEs. Dancing exams. Dancing shows. Audition for Northern Ballet. Possibly meeting my Dad. It's all in the cards.

Some of those things I'm looking forward to. Most of them I don't want to happen. It scares me knowing about them. For instance, I'd be alot happier if my Mum hadn't have told me about my Dad possibly seeing me on my 16th. That scares me. It really does. And knowing that it could happen scares me even more. But on the other hand. Next year is a new year, new start a fresh page. A new chapter in my life. WHATEVER.

Therefore. I'm looking forward to the new year for new experiences and all that jazz.

Happy New Year!!!

so basically..

2008-12-28T14:33:00.001-08:00

"had this night nurse thing and i'm like.. feeling drowsy for some reason?" ...I have stupid friends.. =|

haha

Merry Christmas!!

2008-12-25T02:51:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! =]

meh..

2008-12-22T17:42:00.000-08:00

Cant sleep so I'm blogging.

2 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!!!! YEY

But now I'm going to be a scrooge and say I'm not looking forward to it because it means I have to spend the whole day with my family just kind of sat there thinking.. why oh why cant my auntie have a kid so I'm not the only one stuck listening to a political argument about how shit this country is getting.

But I also can't wait for christmas because I love Christmas..

I'm tired.. therefore BEDTIME!!

eurgh..

2008-12-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

I know I've posted once today but it's my blog so I don't care.

Anyways..

I've done stupid things in the past, but only one of which I really do regret, but I don't regret it at the same time. It's a bit weird really. People often say "I would never do that EVER because it's stupid" but then a few weeks, months, years later they often do. Well I've done that before. I did something I told myself and others that I would never do and it was only a matter of after a week or so that I said I would never do it that I did. And unless you know me well enough for me to have told you about this you may as well stop reading cos' you're not going to find out what it is that I did.

The moment after I had done it I felt awful, so I ended up telling a couple of people who some were nice about it and some got angry, those who go angry made me promise not to do it again, which didn't work out too well for me as I later confessed to. Those who were nice about it helped me through it and made me tell them everything which helped a lot.

Really I just want to thank the people who were nice about it and helped me through a lot. I realise that people wont always give the response that I hope I'll get but thats just life really.

Oh and I should really stop blogging late at night, cos' I just end up writing about utter crap to some people, inner thoughts to me. But it's cos' I'm tired and emotional.. as one of my friends put it. =]

x and have a z too cos' I'm tired.

If only..

2008-12-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

If only he knew.

If only I knew?

Why?

So much anger, and so much pain all built up. If only I knew the answers to my questions. It would make my life so much easier sometimes. But I don't and there's not a lot I can do about that at the moment.

Life goes on I guess.

=]

2008-12-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so anyone who follows me on twitter might know that I went to hospital this morning. I hate Hospitals, and I hate Dentists, so combining them is a bad idea. This morning I had those two combined. Not fun! Basically I'm having 7 teeth pulled out and 2 uncovered in february at the earliest. They have to put me to sleep to do it as well. I am not looking forward to it. But what I am looking forward to is the end result after the 2 years of braces, so basically, when it's all over and my teeth look nice =]. I'm actually rather scared about all this though, I've never had anything done to my teeth before, and I've never had to be put to sleep, and I'm not at all looking forward to it. =[

Oh and apparently I might have some dodgey joint thing which could explain ALOT.

I'm actually like, terrified. =[

I miss you.. all of you..

2008-12-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

So, I often write things in my blog that I don't tell people normally. And I'm going to do the same now.. but in a more serious way than I usually do when I just moan and complain.

Ever since I can remember my auntie has had boyfriends they've come and gone and once they've gone I've never seen them again, this has also happened with my mum more recently, someone comes into my life and then just as I get used to them, they go and I never see them again. This also happens with friends, they come into my life and just as I'm getting used to having them around me BAM they're gone.

When I was younger one of my mums old friends used to live with us. His name was Craig, I loved him like he was related to me, of course he wasn't but he was more like a Dad to me than my own Dad as I haven't seen him since I was 3. He was the nicest person ever who clearly wanted the best for me. He was always helping me with homework and he would play games and stuff with me and he was an amazing drawer artist person. I'm not sure if anyone remembers but there was a competition about a new rugrats character a heck of a long time ago, but I wanted to enter that competition and Craig drew a picture for me, I never entered it, and I still have it. Its one of the only things that I have that reminds me of him. Other than the stuff he left behind which are in the loft.

Anyway I'm off track of what I was saying now.

The point is that people keep on coming into my life, I get used to them and then they go and I never see them again. And I really do miss some of them. A lot. I don't usually let people know that I'm missing people because there's nothing anyone can do about it. But I'm really starting to miss some people. A lot more than I let anyone know.

Anyway. I'm depressing myself now. So i shall stop writing.

BYEEE

=[

2008-12-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of those days. The sort of day that I don't like. Thursdays seem to be bad days for me this year. Last year it was wednesdays. I think it's got something to do with my science set. I don't fit in with my science set, they're all chavs or just people who don't like or care about science. If I'm going to be honest, I like science, it's something I'm good at. But ever since I've been moved down into this set, I despise going to science lessons. And now that this year we have been put into our science sets for ICT I'm beginning to dislike ICT as well. I want to do well in my GCSEs so I'm trying not to let things get to me too much so that I can concentrate on my work and get the grades that I need for college and to eventually get me a job.

I just wish that it was easier.

Smile and act like everything's fine.

2008-12-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

Erm, So yeah.

I'm not too sure what to say really, I mean I could complain about things, but there's really not alot that I could complain about. I could tell you all the good things in my life, but there's not really alot that I could tell you about. My life seems to be rather mediocre at the moment, nothing particularly good and nothing particularly bad is going on right now.

I've spent far too much time complaining this year. So I've decided to start working on my new years resolutions now so that I know what I'm going to try and improve on next year. So far I have that I'm going to stop taking things for granted, and to stop complaining the second something bad happens, and also to take more responsibility for my actions. These are all things that need alot of work. At the moment I complain about EVERYTHING that I don't think is fair, and I rarely take responsibility for anything. And I think alot of people take things for granted that they shouldn't. So my aim for 2009 is to basically, become a better person and to gain some responsibility.

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD

2008-12-08T13:09:00.001-08:00

Basically... I want to gloat about my amazing dancing results..

Grade 4 Modern Jazz I got Commended.

Grade 5 Theatre Craft I got Commended.

Silver Tap I got Commended and

Silver Ballet I got Highly Commended.

that might all mean nothing to you.. but I haven't done this well in my exams in a long time! So I'm dead chuffed!

Yesterday...

2008-12-07T03:46:00.000-08:00

Was amazing. I have got to say I prefer small gatherings to big ones because you can actually talk to people who you wouldn't usually talk to.

Thats all I wanted to say..

haha

2008-12-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

I've just been reading through some of my older posts. I'm rather pessimistic.. and I do admit this to anyone anyways, but I am really over dramatic. To be honest I think being an only child kind of makes me live in this little world of my own where things have to go my way. But in reality, thats just not what happens. Sometimes I need bringing back into reality.

oooo my gosh.

2008-12-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

Since my blogs are always rather depressing.. I'm going to write a story kinda thing that just gets everything out without having to tell anyone about it all, because my problems are too complicated to understand tbh. =]

confused face

2008-12-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

Why do people keep asking me what's wrong then when I tell them they say they don't know what to tell me. Did I ask for their advise? No. I have Oliver for that. Stop asking me what's wrong unless you honestly think I will tell you and you will have an answer. Jeez.

Weird horoscope..

2008-11-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

your proverbial ducks are all lining up, they appear to be doing it in the distance.

i shall name my proverbial ducks Harry, Micheal, Joe, Lucy, Jane and Phoebe.

Snow Patrol, Oliver and what to do?!

2008-11-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

So right now I'm listening to Snow Patrol - You're all I have and I'm talking to Oliver on MSN about how insane the world is, and it's made me feel so happy. Oliver is the type of guy who you can talk to about anything and he always knows what to say, he can make something that's upset you seem funny. For instance there's this girl at school who hates me with a passion and isn't afraid to show it, I told Oliver about it all and he just said that she's jealous of the fact that I can make people laugh without being a total idiot, which made me smile. It's great being able to talk to someone about everything and they always seem to want to listen. =]. I wish Matt was a bit more like Oliver in the sense that I can tell him everything and he knows what to say, with Matt you tell him something and he just calls whoever upset you an idiot and changes the subject. Is it weird to be able to tell a guy everything but not your boyfriend?

oh well...

ugh

2008-11-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

whats the point in anything?

No one likes me. Well some people do, and they're awsome. I'm currently sat here crying because im sick of it all. People just seem to hate me and not give me a valid reason. I get hate at school, online, anywhere really. It might just be me, but i get the feeling that i just dont fit in anywhere. The internet used to be an escape for me to get away from the hate i get at school, but now, its just like where ever i go im hated, with no explanation. If people told me why they didnt like me it wouldnt seem as bad, but no one is honest enough with me to tell me. If someone decided to be mature and take the hint that im starting to get upset about things and try atleast make an effort to be nice. I know some people have decided to approach me about the situation. And I thank them for that. I would approach people myself if i had the confidence, but my confidence has just like disapeared because of my current situation.

=[

This is shit. =[

OOO another post..

2008-11-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

Just a few point I wanted to make..

I know more than you think I know.

I hear things I'm not meant to hear.

I see things that you don't want me to see.

I know things that I'm not supposed to know.

I know things you don't want me to know.

I hear things you don't want me to hear.

I see things that I'm not meant to see.

You make things too obvious.

You try and hide things that cant be hid.

You think I know nothing.

You think I'm just a child.

You don't know me, but still judge me.

You find it funny when I'm upset.

You think I don't notice.

You never even tried to get along with me.

You do things without thinking about it first.

There's a lot that I could do.

But I don't want to.

You see I take note.

I watch carefully.

I can catch you out.

You wouldn't even notice.

You don't know half the things I do.

I might not be paying attention, but I still learn and hear and see.

There's something you should know.

I'm not stupid.

I might be younger than you, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid.

The things I know, hear and see could be used against you.

Be careful.

Because one day I'll snap.

I'll make you wish you hadn't of tried.

You wont know this is about you.

Or you might think this is about you.

It's probably not about you unless you can match yourself up to these points.

I might sound like a stalker.

I'm not.

I'm just quiet and careful.

I'm careful with what I let people know.

I don't trust anyone.

Anyone could stab you in the back.

Good luck in life.

Ok.. I know all that sounds a bit weird. It's about a couple of people. A couple of internet people, who think I have no idea what they say behind my back, or right in front of me. So yeah. XD..

Ok just re read it.. no I'm not a stalker or anything... and I'm not creepy either. It just kinda sounds it.. oops..

-Laura

I have feelings too; they live here.

I'm going to uni....

hmm..

I like.. never use this anymore..

This.

It's been a while..

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...

Reflection time..

Laura isn't too happy...

I can't do it anymore....

I screwed up....

New years etc...

Story for Paige

Guys are knob heads.

Something I found...

Ohai Blog...

sometimes i really do wonder...

hmm...

Just an explanation really....

A mixture of complaining and happiness.

This is why i love Alice

hmm...

update update update

Poland

Little post

14/07/09

Numbness.

life's like an hour glass glued to the table..

The right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do...

haha

10/06/09

This is not happeninggggg

eurgh.

Long time no blog...

I hate this part right here...

14/05/09

well done. you've done it.

I re-did my yearbook statement...

my year book statement.

oh deary me.

oh my gosh.

Being optimistic in a pessimistic way...

16/04/09

Dear Readers.

I have got to stop doing this.

eurgh

THIS IS KILLING ME!!!! AHHH

What has happened to me?!

Remember me?

I have a huge grin on my face =]

Online vs IRL

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I'm fine.

Emotions doing a 360?

Skype blog..

FOOD!

*sigh*

Just an observation really...

Roller-coaster of emotions.

Fame.

RAWR

Untitled.

STRESSED!

I have weird dreams.

yeah,

EURGH!!!

The sad truth..

..I gained a lisp..

:)

Life's like a roller coaster, it has it's ups and downs..

I have to get this out of my system...

27/01/09

The "elite" group

Hi..

Don't want to do this. Don't want to do this...

I'm defying gravity..

on the edge.

erm so..

Skype contacts Blog..

Laura is smiling =]

why do you have to make things so complicated.

sigh

confused face